I believe

This will be the first in a two-part series. 

I was having a conversation with my daughter a week or two ago. And I can't remember everything that was said but I recall we were talking about salvation. And she told me that she had never heard my testimony. Which is basically a fancy way of saying why I believe what I believe. So I told it to her, and I wanted to share a short version with you. I also want to clarify exactly what I believe, because I had a friend point out that they had no idea what I believe when it comes to my faith, and that saddens me. I should have done a better job representing my beliefs, I suppose.

I grew up in a Christian home. I can't remember us ever going to church regularly. It just wasn't something that we did. But I also can't remember a time that we didn't study the bible or just know that God existed, and that Jesus died for us. There was a lot of vacation bible school, and I remember a church near where we lived once picked us (the kids) up for Sunday service.

When I was 26 years old I had a series of very disturbing dreams. Most of them about the end of the world. I remember in one I could feel Jesus calling my spirit. And I felt it trying to leave my body but something was holding me back. In another these huge meteors were raining down from the sky, destroying everything. I could see someone standing on a hill looking down. I thought, at the time in the dream, that it was Jesus. And I can't describe what he looked like to you, because I can't remember. I just knew it was him. Kind of like you know your parents or your children. The thing that I took away from these dreams was that I wasn't who I thought I was. To me, at the end of each dream, I always knew that I wasn't a Christian. I hadn't accepted Jesus as my Lord. Having grown up in a household where Jesus was just always present, I had assumed that by simply knowing him, I was a Christian. I knelt by my bed after the second dream and asked God to forgive me. I accepted Jesus into my heart that night.

Meteor by Brandon Stricker

Now a few years later Hubby and I were members of a little non-denominational church. I was basically running the youth group, but he had the title. Because this was a church that believed women should know their place. (And it wasn't as a leader in the church in any way) We had been members there for quite a while and were very active. I sought out anything that I could do to serve the church, telling myself I just wanted to be a witness for God. It wasn't until years later that I realized it wasn't God's approval I was seeking. At the time I was good friends with most of the members, as this was a small church. When I would sing they would tell me what a great job I had done. They would say they appreciated my work with the youth group. Which honestly had a varying number of people, but never over six. I was eating the praise up. The more they bragged on me, the more I wanted. I began to write poetry to read in church. It felt good to have people tell me what a great job I was doing. I loved the attention and craved it.

Easter Sunday one year I wrote a poem about the crucifixion. Hubby asked to read it before we went to church, I told him he could wait and hear it with everyone else. I was so sure of myself. I stood at the front of the church and cried reading it. I would post it here for you to see, but it was long since destroyed. I remember, clear as day though, the part that finally made me realizing I wasn't living to serve God, I was living for the accolades. There was a line in this point that said something about bones broke, my sin he bore. You know what didn't happen to Jesus on the cross? None of his bones were broken.

I knew this. But I had gotten caught up in making this poem as dramatic as possible. I wanted people to be in tears, as I was when I read it. And I wanted, most of all, for them to tell me how much it had affected them. When I finished reading, I looked up and the entire church was silent. I hadn't even realized my mistake at this point. I took my seat smug in the knowledge that they were all speechless in the emotion that I had elicited.

When church was over and I asked hubby, "Did you like my poem?"
"Most of it"
"What didn't you like?"
"There were no bones broken during the crucifixion, honey."
My house of cards came tumbling down. My embarrassment was a palpable thing. Why didn't I think? In my search for a pat on the back, I had made a fool of myself. To the church's credit, none of them judged me. We continued going to that church but I slowly melted into the back ground. All of a sudden attention wasn't nearly as important to me as it had been.

The Two Year Plan

A little over a year ago several things in my life changed at once.  I can't even remember right now what all of them were, but I remember feeling completely out of control. I felt like my entire life was just a huge mess and that I couldn't do anything about it.  I remembered that once upon a time I had dreams, goals. I had plans. And I wondered where that girl had went. The one with all of the spunk who was going to conquer the world. Or at least her corner of it.

Part of the problem was growing older. At some point during my life I became convinced that only children and young people had the right to dream. That if you were past 30 then your life was set in stone and couldn't be changed. But when I had this, well... mid-life crisis, if you will, I realized that I was being silly. Why couldn't I do some of those things I had always wanted to do when I was younger.  I had my first child when I was 17-years-old.  I never went to college or traveled. And I always wanted to do both of those. So I started thinking, what do I want from my life.  And I came up with a few goals.

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1. Lose weight - It is significant that this is my first goal, and not just random.  My other goals all hinge on this one. Why?  I've told you a bit about my weight loss battle.  My health has already declined some. Because I am older, of course it will.  But it isn't just that. I'm not comfortable with how I look. When I am out in public I always think everyone is looking at me thinking "God look at her, she's huge." Because honestly I feel that way. It doesn't matter if it is or isn't true, it's how I feel. So without getting in shape, I know I would never feel comfortable doing the other things on my list.

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2. Go back to school - When I was 17 I wanted to be a lawyer, or a paralegal.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to work hard enough to be a lawyer. And being a paralegal would be the next best thing. At least to my mind it would. (Yes, I've always been lazy)  I thought long and hard when I decided I wanted to go back to school about why I wanted to go back. If I was just going back to get the experience of going to college, then I could go for anything. But if I was going back for a reason, then what was it?  After a little thought I settled on going back to become a certified Pharmacy Technician.  My husband takes many different medicines and I've always thought it would be nice to know what they are, what they're for, etc.   And I know this job would pay well enough to help me accomplish my other two goals.  The next step was when. My youngest child will graduate from school in June. Which means my babies are now grown and will be starting their own lives.  But I babysit my nephews, and my sister depends on me. It would be really hard to go to school and still babysit. I work really long hours because she does. In August of 2014 my youngest nephew will start school. I decided that was as good a time as any for me to go back. Once the kids start school it shouldn't be hard to find someone to pick them up after.  

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3. Fix my house - Maybe you're thinking to yourself, why is this a goal and not something you're already working on? Well the answer is simple, children.  My husband has just recently found a job where we can afford to start doing repairs to our home. We have three children and we decided years ago that we wanted me to be able to stay home with the kids. I have worked many jobs over the years to supplement our income, but never for long because I felt, and my husband supported me, that my place was raising our children.  So being that he was the sole breadwinner renovating the home was pretty low on our to do list.  Now that the kids are grown we're starting to completely renovate it, inside and out.  

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4. Travel - And last but surely not the least is traveling.  My hearts desire is to travel. It has been as long as I can remember. I want to go to Ireland and see where my ancestors roamed. I have friends that I have made all over the world that I would love to meet. I just want to see as much of this world as I can before I leave it.  And I can't think of any better way to spend the rest of my life than traveling. Hubby and I are going on a cruise. I'll finally woman up and get on an airplane.  Heck we will probably even take the kids along some if they want to go and can. I'm already planning all the wonderful trips I'll take with my husband. What is that song? The futures so bright I gotta wear shades?  That's how I feel when I think about traveling. 

I once heard John Tesh talk about the top 5 regrets people have on their deathbeds. The number one regret was: "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." I spent the first 35 years of my life living the life others expected of me. The rest of the time I have is mine.  I don't want to waist a minute.  

What's for dinner?

“Cooking is at once child's play and adult joy. And cooking done with care is an act of love.” 

― Craig Claiborne

I am not a great cook.  Most of the time when I experiment with a recipe or try to come up with one on my own the end result is not pretty.  And it sure doesn't taste good. Occasionally I will have a success. But not often enough that I can trust myself to just randomly come up with pleasing recipes. To this end I recently purchased several cookbooks.  I first bought 400 Calorie Fix on discount at Wal-Mart for $6.  I got it because I liked the idea of eating 400 calorie meals.  It seemed fairly easy and full of foods that not only I would eat, but my family would as well.  I cooked many recipes from this book for a couple of months and then I got the 400 Calorie Fix Cookbook for Christmas.  Yay, more recipes! In January we went to a local flea market where I found several Taste of Home cookbooks.  So now I have a nice collection of cookbooks and recipes.

I've always been a lazy one. I enjoy eating out. I love food. All food. But the thing I loved most was not having to cook. I hated cooking with a passion, mostly because I cooked the same few things over and over and over.  So I preferred eating out to cooking at home. But since I've started dieting I have to cook my meals. Sure I can eat out occasionally, but any food you buy at any restaurant, fast food or not, is laden with calories. So in order to keep my calories low, I need to cook the majority of my meals. First I sat down with my cookbooks and made note of every recipe that looked good to me. I also looked for 400 calorie recipes online, and made myself a notebook with them.  Armed with all of my new information I started cooking. And do you know what I discovered?  Cooking is FUN!  At first it was a chore that I hated with a passion.  But then it grew on me, and pretty soon I would rather go home and cook than eat out.  I KNOW!  Who would have thought I would ever say that?!  But the food that I prepare at home is just so tasty. And really most of my recipes are super simple that take very little time.  And an average meal for me is around 500 calories. 

Skillet Pork Chop with onion gravy, Honey-Lemon Carrots,
Fried Corn, Homemade Mac and Cheese - 608 calories

Ok so the Mac and cheese put me a little up on calories for that meal.  I don't care, it was soooo worth it.  I don't think I'll ever win an award for plating. And probably not for cooking. But what I have done is made my family look forward to dinner again and discovered a love for food that I didn't even know I had.  And I think the reason that I don't fail miserably at my diet is because 90% of what I eat is home cooked meals.  Now if I could just get rid of the junk food habit!  UGG!

Here I am, now what are your other two wishes?

I love that line, my daughters friend says it often, and it makes me happy. Whenever I start reading a blog, I always think to myself, who is this person?  And I read the about me, and go back in the archives, and I try to get a sense of who this person is. What their life is like, how they live, what makes them happy, sad, and so on.   So I figure the place to start this blog is by telling you all a little about myself, my life, and what I'll be writing about.

First a little about me.  I'm 38 years old and I have 3 beautiful children.  I have numerous nieces and nephews whom I love to babysit. I have been with my husband for over 20 years and we've been married for 18 years.  I married my first love, and though there have been times when we've argued I couldn't have found a better match for me. I'm all about family, I still have dinner with my siblings, their families, and my parents once a month.  Oh and my parents are divorced, we'll get to that later I'm sure. I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.


I suppose the next thing you should know about me is that I am 130lbs overweight.  My daughter tells me that I should post my weight. That until I can admit it I'll never defeat it. I sure do hope she's wrong about that one because I'm just not ready to post it yet. Even admitting how much overweight I am is a big deal for me.  I hate that I am this out of shape, I hate that I have let myself get to this point. But I am proud of me now.  Right now I am working on this. I have lost 16lbs already, it was more but I had gained some back before I started working on it again. And this time, I am serious. I am GOING to get to my goal weight, and I am going to be a healthier person. It will happen.  And one day, I will admit what I weigh, but it is not this day.

There is no easy way to say this next part, so I'll just jump right into it. My mother has Lung Cancer. As of this point they have no idea if it is stage 3 or 4 or what her prognosis is.  We should find all of that out in February once she has her first scans after chemo. There is a lot that goes with this, so I'll save it for my next post. My mother-in-law also has breast cancer.  These two women are such an encouragement to me in my daily life. Seeing how strong they are, how hard they're fighting.  I take my mother for all of her chemo and I take my mother-in-law some.  But rather than being down and upset about it I find my time with them more precious than ever.  I'm not miserable and I don't want you feeling sorry for me. But I will be talking about this and I want you to know about it.

So that's basically it, I'll be blogging about myself, my family, my weight loss trials, and dealing with two different cancers in my mother and mother-in-law.  And I am sure there will be several random posts thrown in just because I'm a random kinda gal.