Let me be candid

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotion. We received some not so great news about my mom. She's been really light headed lately, confused, and forgetful. To the point that she can't remember things she's known for years and she uses the wrong word a lot. We mentioned it to her doctor and he wanted to do an MRI to make sure that there were no tumors in her brain. He asked if she'd ever had one, I told him yes, at the beginning.

So they did a repeat scan and found tumors in her skull; not her brain, but the skull. This means that her cancer is a definite stage 4 now.  They scheduled her for a bone scan to see how far spread these tumors in her bones are. We found this out right after we learned that the pneumonia she had been fighting for over a month was still here. We went to the doctor Friday to find out the results of the bone scan and how this affects her diagnosis.  The scan showed that the tumors in her bone are basically in her entire skeleton. In various places from her skull to her legs she has tumors.  Her doctor said that he is ever an optimist   So he has changed her medicine out and she will undergo a few more rounds of chemotherapy using two new drugs.  He's hoping with the new medicines that we can get her disease to a stable point again.  To be honest my hope is waning. When my mother started chemo I hoped she would be cured. Now I'm just enjoying every moment I have with her, and hoping for the best. Whatever that is.




On the home front she has been having a lot of difficulty getting in and out of bed, which is where she spends most of her time at the moment.  Lifting herself up causes a lot of pain probably because of the tumors in her bones. So we've had her set up with a hospital bed and nurse. She also set herself up with a physical therapist. She's thinking maybe they can help work some of the soreness out since she spends so much time in bed. I'm all for that. I'm glad because it will allow her to maintain her independence for a bit longer, which is really important to mama.

At the time of this writing she's actually back in the hospital for the pneumonia that she is still battling.  After we went to the doctor Friday we ran a few errands and then went back to her house. She was fine then, just a little tired and so I went on home to let her get a nap.  Then Saturday about lunch time my brother and his family went by to check on her, again she was fine. At about 6pm Saturday evening my sister called to check on her. Mama was having an extremely hard time breathing and couldn't even speak because of it. So my brother went and picked her up and rushed her to the ER where we all met her.  She is feeling much better today but they have decided to keep her until they get the pneumonia healed. She's been fighting it for about a month with medicine at home so that obviously isn't working.  I know my mom and know she is NOT going to like this being stuck in a hospital. But I think this is the best for her too.

Now I have told you before that I am an emotional eater.  Eating junk food gives me comfort. I don't know why, I haven't figured that out yet. I just know it does. So this past week, the second part of the mini-challenge I am doing, was a complete and total flop. Not only did I not eat my two fruits and vegetables with every meal, I ate cookies and snickers.  Many cookies and snickers.  And the thing that gets me is I knew what I was doing the whole time. It wasn't as if I was blindly eating and suddenly had a realization, "Oh my, I have eaten an entire Snickers.  How clumsy of me"    Naw, I went into it knowingly and willingly.  I was standing at the candy counter one day thinking to myself, "Do I really need a Coke and a Snickers?  You know how many calories that is, and how hard they are to burn"  It only took me about 15 seconds to decide yes, yes I did need a Coke and a Snickers.

And I am really not sure how to combat this. How to beat these tendencies. If I beat myself up about it, then I feel worse. And I say to myself, "Well, you've flopped anyways, no sense in trying now. You're just a failure. Go get a Snickers."  If I tell myself, "Ok you screwed up, let's move past this, just don't do it again." Then I feel.. less guilty?  when I do buy the junk food. Because then I tell myself, "Well you just screwed up is all, you can fix this, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!  YOU GOT THIS!  Besides, you need it. It makes you feel better"   And I'm struggling to find something that makes me feel as good as food does.  So that when I am NOT hungry and DON'T really want it, I won't go to it. I'll just find something else to do.  So I guess I'm just letting you know that I have failed this week. I don't know how to stop myself, and I am open to suggestions.

photo credit: C. E. Sandoval via photopin cc

Oh, and I'm rebooting part two of the challenge next week.  So hopefully I can get myself back on track.

They say confession heals the soul....

When I was little I was a worry wart.  Heck who am I kidding? I am still a worry wart. I worry about EVERYTHING.  My family often says that they don't worry about anything because they know I'll worry enough about it for everyone.  And I do. I don't remember my parents arguing when I was little. But I know they must have because I remember asking my mama over and over if her and my daddy would ever get divorced.  Her answer was always the same, "Never!"

Never isn't a very long time because when I was 14 my parents separated and when I was 17 they divorced.   I mentioned this to my mom years ago and asked her if she remembered me always asking about her and daddy being divorced. She said that she did and she should never have told me that they wouldn't get divorced.  She said you can never tell what will happen in the future and that was the lesson she learned from that.




Somewhere around the same time I was trying to get my mom to stop smoking.  Arguably I was trying in the wrong way. Instead of encouragement I was basically bribing her, shaming her, and basically bullying her in hopes that she would quit.  My grandfather smoked all of his life and he developed lung cancer because of it. Towards the end of his life he was unable to care for himself and his family was called in. I remember my mom and her sisters sitting with him, caring for him. They had to do everything for him.  And then several years after that my mothers father-in-law (her second husband's step-father) developed lung cancer. He went through basically the same thing. Only this time it was only my mother caring for him.  So during this time that I was trying to get her to quit smoking I said to her, "What if you get lung cancer, mama? Who's gonna take care of you? Me!  That's who!  Do you want me to have to do that for you like you did for papa and Earl?" And her reply was, "No, I won't get to that point. I would rather die than be a burden to y'all"

Now if you've been reading through my blog then you know my mom has lung cancer. If you don't then there you are. Her lung cancer is the kind that non-smokers get, so the doctor says that whether or not she smoked is irrelevant. But she hasn't been doing well lately. She's had pneumonia a couple of times and basically she has felt horrible.  My brother calls and checks on her daily, my sister texts her all throughout the week, and I call a couple times a week.  And she hadn't told any of us that she was doing so poorly. We found out when she had to call one of her sisters for help.  I was frustrated with her and called her to find out why she wasn't calling. She said that she didn't want to be a burden on us. She reminded me of what she'd said about that all of those years ago.  I felt floored. I told her we'd rather care for her for years than lose her now. That she wasn't a burden and we loved her.

I think the reason she feels this way is my fault. If I hadn't badgered her so much and carried on about how I would have to take care of her then she wouldn't feel like a burden. I really didn't mean that I wouldn't want to take care of her. I was just trying to shame her into quitting smoking. And I'm ashamed of myself now. And more than that I am ashamed that my mother now considers herself a burden. She's not. She never has been and never will be. And I hope that somehow I can get that through her thick head.

I love you mama.  And I'm sorry.

Tidbits - Episode 1

Many times I think of random bits of information that I want to share, but they aren't really enough to make a blog post.  I call these tidbits.  And so, when I've accumulated enough of my little tidbits to make a post, you'll have a Tidbits Episode ;)


~ Sometimes, when dealing with my mother's cancer, I feel completely alone. Today we went to a doctor's appointment and once again rehashed the whole stage 3/4 conversation with the doctor. And while he didn't come right out and say stage 4, he did say that is "one of my biggest concerns".  Which makes me think he's leaning more in that direction now. So I came home sort of depressed and wishing I could reach out to someone.  My husband was at work, and what could he do anyways? Couldn't call him.  My brother and sister basically deal with the situation by pretending it doesn't exist (and so do I 99% of the time). And I didn't want to start them worrying as I was. I could call up a friend, but why? They could do nothing for me, and I know how helpless it feels when you want to help someone and you can't. So I was sad about mama and feeling sorry for myself when my youngest son asked me what was wrong. I cried and told him. He gave me a big hug and said it would be ok.   You know, sometimes I close myself off and get on a pity party for no reason.  My friends may not know how to help me, and my siblings may be struggling with this too. But they're there for me. All I have to do is ask.

~ For about a month a little while back I stayed up late waiting for my husband to get home from work. During this time I would start craving a snack around 10 o'clock.  It was never anything really big. A small bowl of cereal, a cookie, sometimes fruit.  But it was always something sweet.  After a month of doing this it became a habit.  And since I've started trying to get into shape again, and I am serious this time, I am trying to kick this habit. It is really hard!  I've actually started going to bed earlier, so most of the time I'm asleep by 10. But if I am awake, you can set your watch by it. Around 10pm my body starts hinting that it would like something sweet. And I start mentally tallying what we have that I would like.  Then I have to mentally slap myself. "QUIT IT!" I say.  I'm not gonna be that person anymore. But wow, the 10 o'clock munchies are rough!

~ And on that subject, I lost 2 more pounds. Woohoo, go me!  I'm down to 272 now. Which is awesome, but seeing that I was 265 and then gained 10 and am now trying to lose again what I already lost.. well,  you get the picture. So instead of whining about where I was, I've set a new goal. 270.  I figure I'll take this thing in 10 pound increments. That way I don't get overwhelmed and I can get to them quicker.  So yeah, 2 more pounds to my first goal!

~ I want to do a blog post soon about my day. I feel like I am in a solid run from morning till night, every day.  But when I type out what I do, it seems so.. little. I keep thinking people will read that and be like, "That's it? That's what you do all day? I could wrap that up in a couple of hours"  Maybe I'll do a week instead lol.

~ Finding time to blog is also a bit of a challenge. I want to update this thing regularly, but at the same time, I don't want to neglect my house, my family, or my diet to do so.  So I get frustrated thinking about how I need to do an update, and then I get frustrated because I am spending time writing that I could be using to do something else. It's an ugly cycle.

Survive Now, Cry Later

September 2012 my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer.  She had been bitten by a spider a couple of months earlier and had a persistent cough. Apparently spider bites can cause congestion and breathing problems so nothing was thought of her cough. Fast-forward a couple of months and the cough is still hanging around. She was sent for an X-ray and a lump was discovered in her right lung. She was then sent for a biopsy to figure out what kind of cancer she had.  Then we went to her lung doctor to find out what the results of the biopsy was.  Adenocarcinoma.  We went for a PET scan to see what the full extent of it was.  And then on to the cancer doctor to find out what stage her cancer was and her prognosis.  



Only we didn't get stage or a prognosis.  My mother is a rare breed, she always has been. And apparently her cancer is no different. 

When the PET scan was finished they found a lesion on her right humorous, a 5cm growth on her right ovary, and a slightly smaller one on her left, the original tumor in her right lung, and numerous nodules on her lymph nodes. At this point he tells us that if she's stage three then with treatment the average life span is 15 months.  If it is stage four, and it's looking a lot like stage four at this point, then it's two months.  So multiple tests were needed and "then we'll know what course of action to take".  I asked would we know what stage she was. "We should"  I took that as a yes. I should have paid better attention to that should.  She then underwent a bone biopsy on her right arm. This came back inconclusive, as the biopsy doctor told us it would.  He said that when they do these things they never want to say "There is no cancer here". Because what if later they find cancer in that spot, and then the doctor who said that is on the line. So they say that the test is either positive or inconclusive. Which means that they didn't find any cancer there, but they can't say for sure there isn't any. 

After the bone biopsy came back clean they had to biopsy her lymph nodes. They wanted to know if the cancer in them would be lung or ovarian. It is extremely rare for a person to have two types of cancer at one time, but it has happened.  At this point my mother and I have been in either doctor's offices or hospitals for about three weeks. We're exhausted and slightly irritable.  Mom has the biopsy done on her lymph nodes and they come back lung cancer. 
"Great," we think, "we're finally getting somewhere"
Haha, funny.  So we return to the cancer doctor who tells us that this is "good news"  lol Seriously? She has cancer in her lymph nodes and this is good news?  No actually the good news is that it wasn't ovarian cancer.  So (they think) she only has one type of cancer.  But just to be safe they need to send her to the gyno-oncologist.  They want him to take a look at her ovaries and decide if this is something that needs to be addressed of if it can be ignored.  The gynoc, as I have come to call him, does an ultrasound and says he thinks that what is on her ovaries are cysts.  He isn't sure, but he thinks so.  He orders a CA 125 blood test and her levels come back slightly elevated. But this is still not a 100% indication of anything. 

At this point they have been poking, prodding, and cutting on my mother for 2 months. We've had enough. At our next doctor's appointment we tell him so.  We're tired, according to what he told us to begin with she should be dead already, and we're doing nothing. Enough is enough, make a guess, but do something.  He tells us that the fact that she is still alive and is doing so well gives him hope that it's stage 3.  We have to wait one more week while he goes to consolidate with his colleagues about what course of treatment is best.  No more tests, no more prodding, just wait one week.  The next week we are set up on a chemotherapy regimen   The wise ones have decided that she'll undergo four rounds of chemo, repeat her cat scans, and we'll see what happens. If the things on her ovaries shrink with the chemo, they're probably cancer. If they don't, they probably aren't.  And at that point we'll revisit the option of radiation, which means we're trying to cure her of cancer and that she is stage 3.  

Fast forward to last week, she's finished her four rounds of chemo and she has had her scans.  Now we're waiting for the results. We're finally going to know what stage she is and whether we are going for a cure or trying to prolong her life. Doc comes in and tells us on the most recent scan the spot on her humorous is gone ("But I don't think that was cancer related anyways"), the things on her ovaries are unchanged ("That's good, but I want to do another CA 125 test since her levels were elevated last time"), the main tumor in her lung shrank, but some of the nodules on her lymph nodes grew. Her doctor said that it is probably stage 3 and that he is leaning in that direction. He's going to talk to the... well the doctor who decides whether or not she can have radiation treatments and see if she can.  And if so then we're going to do that. If not then we do maintenance chemotherapy.  

She has to have 2 more rounds of chemo now. One Tuesday and one three weeks from now.  And by then we'll have an answer about the radiation.  I hope we can go for a cure. But I wish it was possible to have a final answer. My mama's case is just so different it's about impossible. 

I sit here typing this dry eyed and with a lump in my throat. I would love to tell you I have cried till I can't cry anymore. But the truth is that I'm detaching myself from it. I can talk about it, I can joke with mama about it, I can have the most positive attitude you've ever seen. You'd think we think Cancer is a big joke. And I can do all of this because I don't actually think about it.  If I started to type here about how my life will change once she is gone, I would lose it.  I can't do that. What I can do is enjoy whatever time I have left with my mother. And when she is finally gone, and I don't have to be strong and upbeat anymore. Then I will deal with all of the emotions that are making my chest hurt. I will handle all of the things that I push down now.  

Here I am, now what are your other two wishes?

I love that line, my daughters friend says it often, and it makes me happy. Whenever I start reading a blog, I always think to myself, who is this person?  And I read the about me, and go back in the archives, and I try to get a sense of who this person is. What their life is like, how they live, what makes them happy, sad, and so on.   So I figure the place to start this blog is by telling you all a little about myself, my life, and what I'll be writing about.

First a little about me.  I'm 38 years old and I have 3 beautiful children.  I have numerous nieces and nephews whom I love to babysit. I have been with my husband for over 20 years and we've been married for 18 years.  I married my first love, and though there have been times when we've argued I couldn't have found a better match for me. I'm all about family, I still have dinner with my siblings, their families, and my parents once a month.  Oh and my parents are divorced, we'll get to that later I'm sure. I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.


I suppose the next thing you should know about me is that I am 130lbs overweight.  My daughter tells me that I should post my weight. That until I can admit it I'll never defeat it. I sure do hope she's wrong about that one because I'm just not ready to post it yet. Even admitting how much overweight I am is a big deal for me.  I hate that I am this out of shape, I hate that I have let myself get to this point. But I am proud of me now.  Right now I am working on this. I have lost 16lbs already, it was more but I had gained some back before I started working on it again. And this time, I am serious. I am GOING to get to my goal weight, and I am going to be a healthier person. It will happen.  And one day, I will admit what I weigh, but it is not this day.

There is no easy way to say this next part, so I'll just jump right into it. My mother has Lung Cancer. As of this point they have no idea if it is stage 3 or 4 or what her prognosis is.  We should find all of that out in February once she has her first scans after chemo. There is a lot that goes with this, so I'll save it for my next post. My mother-in-law also has breast cancer.  These two women are such an encouragement to me in my daily life. Seeing how strong they are, how hard they're fighting.  I take my mother for all of her chemo and I take my mother-in-law some.  But rather than being down and upset about it I find my time with them more precious than ever.  I'm not miserable and I don't want you feeling sorry for me. But I will be talking about this and I want you to know about it.

So that's basically it, I'll be blogging about myself, my family, my weight loss trials, and dealing with two different cancers in my mother and mother-in-law.  And I am sure there will be several random posts thrown in just because I'm a random kinda gal.