"You're going to lose that though"

Here we are on year three of my roller coaster weight loss plan. And once again I'm trying, but yesterday my "want to" got a huge boost. One of the major things that kills me in my journey is confidence. I have none. In the back of my mind, I'm always waiting to fail, and pretty sure I will.

By Sander van der Wel from Netherlands, via Wikimedia Commons

But yesterday something happened that changed that for me. Hubby and I were in town looking at kayaks. We've often talked about how we'd like to "someday" go kayaking together. So we're walking around looking at some and hubby is trying to find one with a wide bottom because, apparently(?), they're more stable. I made the comment that "It's going to need a really wide bottom to accommodate my wide bottom" To which he replied, "You're going to lose that though."  Just like that, it wasn't a command, or an insult. It was just a statement of faith. He knew I was going to lose it, that's it. No doubt.

Photo by: John Liu/Flicker

I can't tell you how good that made me feel. All of a sudden I wasn't hoping I could do it this time. I knew I could. I know I can. Hubby has never really cared what I weigh. He loves me completely, and always has. He did when I was 140lbs, and he did when I was 311lbs. But knowing that he believes in me, that he knows I am capable of getting healthy, well that gave me a huge incentive to stay the course, to do my very best. So yes, I'm going to lose that, and we're going to buy a couple of kayaks. And my someday is coming.

March Madness

So around the 10th of March I decided I needed to start keeping a journal. I use MyFitness Pal to keep a food log, I have MapMyFitness to keep track of my walks (which I haven't done any of lately), and I now own a FitBit. With all of these wonderful high tech gadgets, I feel like the thing that may help me most right now is just a simple log of my day. Most of the time it is one or two sentences, sometimes it is more. I normally write a quick bit in the morning when I get up, and then a follow-up the next morning about how that day ended. I have simple goals for this month. And since I mention them in my writing I will share them here:

Goals:

 - 3500 steps per day
- 16 oz of water per day
- no candy
- don't go over your calorie limit

3-10-15 

8:00 AM - 300 lbs. I'm not sure if that is right. If it is, it shouldn't be. I ate way too many calories this last week. My goal is 1978 calories today, let's see if I can manage that. 

Three hundred and eleven

Three-one-one, tres-uno-uno.  How is that possible?

Last August I finally bit the bullet and set up all of my yearly physicals. Things I haven't done since I was a child because I abhor waiting in a doctor's office for five minutes of care which costs me well over $100.  I just feel it's stupid. Our insurance company didn't agree with me. They made it mandatory.  Fine.

Ok, I'll go, but I won't like it. 

Anyone who has read any of this blog knows that I have been trying to lose weight for two years. And in that time my weight has yoyo-ed as dealt with mama's cancer and then death. So when I made these appointments I was expecting bad news. At my heaviest before all of that I weighed 296lbs.  And that was bad. So I was thinking maybe 300, possibly even 305. I mean it was going to be bad, but I had lost down to 276 at one point, so really how bad could it be?

Well let me tell you, it was bad. When I stepped on those scales my weight was 311lbs.  That was apparently the shock I needed because for 3 months I kicked my tail into gear and lost a total of 18lbs, bringing my weight down to 293.  Then came Thanksgiving and Christmas, both really hard times for me in terms of emotional eating. It's when I miss mama the most, when I think of her most. December is her birthday and Christmas and every time I turn around I am wishing she was here. So I pretty much gave up again. And I did it willingly. I did it knowing what I was doing.  January rolled around and I had my first visit with my new gynecologist.  I stepped on the scale and shocked myself again 307 lbs. All of that work that I had just done was gone. I was almost back to my starting weight in August.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

And you know what the worst part was? I couldn't blame anyone. I knew what I was doing when I did it.  My doctor had told me when I went to see her in August that if I needed some help, she could probably prescribe something. I wanted to try and do it on my own first, no help. Because I knew I could. Also because what good is a pill that makes you not hungry when hunger doesn't figure into my extra eating? I don't have to be hungry. I don't have to be anything. I love food. And it gives me comfort. When I am happy, sad, excited, bored, whatever. And sugar is the worst for me. Sugar is my drug of choice. 

So once again I find myself rebooting my diet, no pills still. Exercising my body and my demons. I firmly believe that I can do this. And if you've read this all before and are rolling your eyes, keep rolling them. The only time you ever fail at anything is when you stop trying. And I'm not giving up!


Picture credits: First/Second

BLEGH!

How is the challenge going? you ask.  Well....

Yup, that great.  I'm two weeks into the challenge and I swear it feels like I'm a complete failure at this.  In the two weeks that I've been doing it I've had about 3 cans of soda. That's the 12-oz cans. We had soda with us while camping and I drank two. And then the rest is just me sipping on soda when charlie picks one up while we're out and about. Considering that I was having 2-3 10 oz glasses of soda every day I suppose that is an accomplishment. Considering that the challenge was to have none.. well there ya go.  As far as the sweets go I'm doing about the same on that. I go days without anything and then one of the boys will bring something home. And there goes the diet. We also went camping this past weekend which was a blast, but let's be honest. If I am sitting there watching people make S'mores, I'm gonna be making them two. And eating them.

So where are we at? We're aggravated with ourself. That's where we're at.  I just keep asking myself, is this it Jules? Is this who you want to be? Really? This is all you're willing to do? This is as hard as you're willing to try? If I continue down this road it's a pretty sure bet I won't see 80. Probably not even 70.   I'm at a higher risk for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer. I'm killing myself with food as surely as a smoker does with a cigarette. And I'm apathetic to it. I want to change.. just as long as I don't have to actually change. As long as I can continue to eat what I want, drink what I want, and do what I want.  As long as I don't have to do anything different at all. Then heck yea, lets change.  

The frustrating part is I DO want it. I DO want to change. And mixed in with these bad days are some good days. But all I can focus on are my failures. And even when I eat something that isn't on my forbidden list I still beat myself up.  "Pizza for dinner? You freaking slob. You can't even get one thing right."   Uh, hello. Pizza is allowed. And it isn't as if I ate an entire pizza. I ate 1 slice. But oh no, that's a no no. I shouldn't have eat that. And that starts me onto the whole "Well you've already screwed up. No reason to try now" path.  I swear I feel like I am stuck in an endless loop of attempts and screw ups. Like this is as good as I am ever going to be. This is as good as it gets.  

photo credit: Monroe's Dragonfly via photopin cc

I feel ya buddy.. I feel ya.

Tidbits - Episode 3

~ The challenge: Well it's going, and that's about all I can say about that. I've screwed up entirely too many times. And I can't decide whether to be disgusted with myself or proud of the fact that I'm still trying to stick to it. I absolutely hate this. I hate craving sugar. It sucks. And it seems like the minute I make it off-limits I feel like I could commit murder for something sweet. I've done this before. I once gave up soda and sweets for 2 weeks. The first week was torture, but after that it was a lot easier, and I felt better. Now I swear it seems like I can't drive by a store without feeling an insane urge to stop and get something. And it seems like the very minute I try and do better my kids decide they gotta have something sweet.  Really?  Sometimes I feel like this is it. I'll never be smaller than I am right now. May as well get used to being a fat woman...

I don't want to be her anymore :( But do I want to put forth the effort to change? 

~ We're going camping!  Aside from our trip to the beach we haven't left the house this summer. And I am so ready to get away again. I absolutely love camping but man do I hate the work that comes with it. Packing all of the various items, cleaning stuff that has been packed away for a year. Just everything that comes with going away for any amount of time. Bleh!  But it will be so worth it when we get there! Happy, happy, happy! :)  

Our camping set up from previous years :) 

~ My naner is staying home a little bit longer.  I'm very happy about this because as much as I try to be supportive of my kids and their desire to be independent I was about to lose it y'all. I mean like put me in one of those jackets where I can hug myself all day and let me sit in a pretty white room with bouncy floor, walls, and ceiling.  Losing mama was hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Then when Amanda moved out right afterward it felt like someone had jerked the rug out from under my feet. And then Shane was going too. I was trying to be up-beat about it, but I really just felt like I was starting to sink.  I'm glad I have a little more time to deal with it and prepare myself. I know my kids are going to move out. But I am going to love every minute I have them at home with me. 

This is me once the kids are all gone.. I'm telling y'all!

~ Speaking of kids moving out.. bugs.  Oh my little darlin. She's had such a rough time lately. A lot has happened, none of it really her fault, but today I stopped by to see her for a minute and she burst into tears while talking to me. I swear turning Mom-to-the-rescue mode into I'm-here-for-you mode is really freaking hard. When one of my kids is upset I really want to just put my cape on and kick some tail. And for those of you worrying, don't.  She'll be fine. It isn't anything God can't handle and she's a tough gal.  But we all have those moments of weakness. And doesn't it seem like they come most when you're with someone you know cares for you unequivocally? Besides, I still have that cape, and I'm not above using it ;)

My 20 day challenge

The only thing I actually took away from the real food mini-challenges I was doing was to buy more organic foods and to eat 4-6 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. And I suppose that it was a success because those two things have to do some good, right?  And I've seen so many challenges floating around that I always think "I could do that!"  But when it comes time to actually do it.. well, not so much.   So I was thinking one day why not challenge myself? Why not make a challenge that will be difficult and take some work, but it is doable for me. Why not set myself up to succeed instead of fail. And then hopefully I can do another challenge and add on a few more things.  And so without further adieu:

Image courtesy of arztsamui / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So maybe you're thinking, "What is so hard about that?"  Well frankly anything from sodas down. It's freaking HARD!  I have a sweet tooth, like honest to goodness could eat every. single. sweet.  All of them. It doesn't matter what it is, I want it. And I'll even make a special trip to the store to get sweets.  I'm just that darn addicted to them. So going without anything sweet for 20 days is gonna be a challenge for sure.  So that's my goal. I'll also be blogging about the process. So stay tuned for those fun whine filled posts!  Wish me luck~

Let me be candid

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotion. We received some not so great news about my mom. She's been really light headed lately, confused, and forgetful. To the point that she can't remember things she's known for years and she uses the wrong word a lot. We mentioned it to her doctor and he wanted to do an MRI to make sure that there were no tumors in her brain. He asked if she'd ever had one, I told him yes, at the beginning.

So they did a repeat scan and found tumors in her skull; not her brain, but the skull. This means that her cancer is a definite stage 4 now.  They scheduled her for a bone scan to see how far spread these tumors in her bones are. We found this out right after we learned that the pneumonia she had been fighting for over a month was still here. We went to the doctor Friday to find out the results of the bone scan and how this affects her diagnosis.  The scan showed that the tumors in her bone are basically in her entire skeleton. In various places from her skull to her legs she has tumors.  Her doctor said that he is ever an optimist   So he has changed her medicine out and she will undergo a few more rounds of chemotherapy using two new drugs.  He's hoping with the new medicines that we can get her disease to a stable point again.  To be honest my hope is waning. When my mother started chemo I hoped she would be cured. Now I'm just enjoying every moment I have with her, and hoping for the best. Whatever that is.




On the home front she has been having a lot of difficulty getting in and out of bed, which is where she spends most of her time at the moment.  Lifting herself up causes a lot of pain probably because of the tumors in her bones. So we've had her set up with a hospital bed and nurse. She also set herself up with a physical therapist. She's thinking maybe they can help work some of the soreness out since she spends so much time in bed. I'm all for that. I'm glad because it will allow her to maintain her independence for a bit longer, which is really important to mama.

At the time of this writing she's actually back in the hospital for the pneumonia that she is still battling.  After we went to the doctor Friday we ran a few errands and then went back to her house. She was fine then, just a little tired and so I went on home to let her get a nap.  Then Saturday about lunch time my brother and his family went by to check on her, again she was fine. At about 6pm Saturday evening my sister called to check on her. Mama was having an extremely hard time breathing and couldn't even speak because of it. So my brother went and picked her up and rushed her to the ER where we all met her.  She is feeling much better today but they have decided to keep her until they get the pneumonia healed. She's been fighting it for about a month with medicine at home so that obviously isn't working.  I know my mom and know she is NOT going to like this being stuck in a hospital. But I think this is the best for her too.

Now I have told you before that I am an emotional eater.  Eating junk food gives me comfort. I don't know why, I haven't figured that out yet. I just know it does. So this past week, the second part of the mini-challenge I am doing, was a complete and total flop. Not only did I not eat my two fruits and vegetables with every meal, I ate cookies and snickers.  Many cookies and snickers.  And the thing that gets me is I knew what I was doing the whole time. It wasn't as if I was blindly eating and suddenly had a realization, "Oh my, I have eaten an entire Snickers.  How clumsy of me"    Naw, I went into it knowingly and willingly.  I was standing at the candy counter one day thinking to myself, "Do I really need a Coke and a Snickers?  You know how many calories that is, and how hard they are to burn"  It only took me about 15 seconds to decide yes, yes I did need a Coke and a Snickers.

And I am really not sure how to combat this. How to beat these tendencies. If I beat myself up about it, then I feel worse. And I say to myself, "Well, you've flopped anyways, no sense in trying now. You're just a failure. Go get a Snickers."  If I tell myself, "Ok you screwed up, let's move past this, just don't do it again." Then I feel.. less guilty?  when I do buy the junk food. Because then I tell myself, "Well you just screwed up is all, you can fix this, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!  YOU GOT THIS!  Besides, you need it. It makes you feel better"   And I'm struggling to find something that makes me feel as good as food does.  So that when I am NOT hungry and DON'T really want it, I won't go to it. I'll just find something else to do.  So I guess I'm just letting you know that I have failed this week. I don't know how to stop myself, and I am open to suggestions.

photo credit: C. E. Sandoval via photopin cc

Oh, and I'm rebooting part two of the challenge next week.  So hopefully I can get myself back on track.

One down, 13 to go

So week one of the challenges is behind us and overall it wasn't too bad. We were eating about three to four servings of fruits and vegetables daily. Upping that to six was a bit of a challenge, but I did enjoy it.  I never really felt hungry and I found myself with more energy.  I still caught myself eating entirely too much processed junk.  My son brought home a box of chunky chocolate chip cookies and I ate four of them before the box was gone.  Even though I read the ingredients, I knew what was in them was bad, and I really wasn't hungry for them. I just wanted them. This is the hardest part for me. The desire to eat junk. It isn't that it's that great. It just makes me feel good.  And I'm not even sure why.  I am really trying to work on that.  At least it was only four this time!  I have eat half a box of those by myself in the past, so at least that is some small improvement.


I figured when this week started that it would be really easy to up my intake of veggies and fruits since I do love them. I was wrong.  The hardest part is making good decisions really. I had tons of fruit and vegetables on hand for the week but when the cookies were brought into the house by my kids and I had a choice between a piece of fruit and a cookie, I caved.  On the upshot I did realize that eating five to six servings of fruits and vegetables really does make you feel fuller. Now I just need to figure out some way to resist the temptation of cookies. And chips. Ok junk food in general.  At any rate I have decided to continue this challenge indefinitely. It just makes sense to, ya know?

A few of the meals we had this week included:
~ Baked French Toast Casserole with fruit (strawberries and bananas for us)
~ Herbed Baked Chicken with green beans, carrot fries, and mashed potatoes
~ Toad-In-A-Hole, cantaloupe, and an apple
~ Sweet-N-Spicy Crockpot Chicken, brown rice, broccoli, and an apple.
~ Blueberry pancakes, sausage patties, and cantaloupe.

This weeks challenge is going to be just that for me, a challenge.

Beverages are limited to coffee, tea, water, and milk. One cup of red wine per day and one cup of juice for the week. 

Ok first off a confession: I am freaking addicted to sodas.  I mean BAD.  I have given them up in the past, but I did that by drinking tea instead of soda. Which is awesome, right?  Except that my tea is sweetened with sugar. And this challenge says that I can have water ,milk, one cup of juice, coffee, and tea.  But ONLY sweetened with a little honey or maple syrup.  Warm honey lemon tea is awesome in the winter when my throat is scratchy. But I just can't see honey being nice in a glass of ice tea.   So honestly I'm gonna do this for one week. Maybe less, we'll know next week lol.  But I do want to take this chance to give up sodas again. In a week without them I should be closer to giving up the habit.  So this weeks goals are basically to try and avoid the junk foods. My kids are gonna bring them in. I can't always use them being here as an excuse to eat them.  Junk food is everywhere and at some point I just have to start developing better habits.  And to avoid sodas and try really hard to avoid tea unless it is sweetened with honey. The good thing about this is my body should be really happy with my water consumption this week!

“The key to life is accepting challenges.

Once someone stops doing this, he's dead.” - Bette Davis

I've been reading a lot about eating real food. I posted a few links to it in my last post and I've been trying to make baby steps toward that end.  I find the biggest problem I have in my weight loss goals is myself. I'm lazy and I hate change. So whenever it comes time to do something different, I balk.  Either that or I get all gung-ho:

 and give up about 5 minutes later.  Lately that's the way I've been acting about weight loss. I'm cool for the first little bit of a diet. But then I get frustrated.  And honestly I'm just sick of counting calories.  One of my dear friends made a comment about it that really stuck in my mind.  "If you're counting calories, how does that help you in the long run?"  And she's right.  Sure I'm eating too many calories, but my problem is the type of foods that I eat.  I really need to change that, and if I change that, then I think I'll be healthier and better for it.  But it isn't just about me. I have a family of 5 that I feed and I really want to change their eating habits as well.  My husband has numerous bowel issues and we're just starting to realize that the foods that we eat have probably contributed to that or caused it altogether. So I want to do something that will not only help me lose weight and get healhty, but help him as well. And I want to do something that my kids (who are almost adults themselves) won't turn their nose up to.




To that end I've decided to accept one of the challenges laid out in the blog 100 Days of Real Food. I've been reading various real food blogs for several weeks now and I love all of them.  But I find this one to be the most interesting because she has small children, and because she seems normal. She isn't some health guru who is telling me what a horrible person I am for eating crap all of these years and teaching my kids to eat it. She's just a mom who wanted to do better for her children. I can so relate to that! She has several different challenges on her site, the 100-day pledge, the 10-day pledge, and 100 mini-pledges. I'm not much of a cold-turkey person so the 100- and 10-day pledges would be harder for me. I could probably do 10 days, but you never know.  So to that end, I've decided to take on the mini-pledges I figure if I make small changes, one week at a time, then maybe I can sort of "sneak" in this change and my family won't even realize.

Since I love vegetables I'm hoping this one will be pretty easy.  I plan to head out to our local farmers market this weekend and see what kind of deals I can pick up.  I'll make out a meal plan today to kind of guide me through the process as well.   I'm hoping that at the end of these 100 challenges our lifestyle will have completely changed. I would like to lose the weight. And I would love it if my husband could have a normal life. Or at least as normal as life is with kids.

Scotty, I need more power!

Willpower that is.  I have the strong urge to write here that Iam doing well on my diet. That I am really trying to lose weight.  I really do want to. And I know what to do. It's the doing that is causing me issues. My plan is simple. Cut out sodas, junk food, and processed foods. Eat more fruits and vegetables and exercise daily.  This, I figure, will net me the body that I want. It won't be easy, but it should be doable.  Cutting out sodas is fairly easy now. At one point they were my hardest point. But I've gone without them so long that now when I drink one it doesn't give me the same "OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GOOD" feeling that it once did.  Junk food now.  That on the other hand....

This cartoon is by Dave Walker.

And usually while taking a little look on the internet for some motivation, I grab a snack. A cookie, a bowl of cereal. Pretty much anything I can find that is sweet.  Now maybe you're thinking, this is simple, just don't buy that stuff. Well yeah, in a perfect world but I have 3 children.  I try not to buy sugary cereals, cookies, and junk food in general. But then I get these cravings...

Courtesy of: Qnica on deviantART

Yeah it's pretty much like that. I feel like I can't stand it. I MUST have sweets and everything is fair game. If we don't have any cookies on hand, I'll eat cereal. If we don't have anything I'll bake up something sweet.  I definitely need willpower.   

I'm frustrated with myself because I know what to do. I'm almost 40 so losing weight isn't as easy for me as it is for someone younger. But I have seen results when I stick to my diet. If I mind my calories, avoid the crap, and work out daily then I lose weight. No not fast, but I don't want to lose fast anyways. But here lately I haven't done any of that. I've ate far too many cookies and far too few fruits and vegetables. And lately my favorite word is "tomorrow".  Tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow I will leave the cookies alone. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.  Yet tomorrow never comes. And I just get more frustrated with myself for the crappy choices I am making.  And I demean myself too. When I go out to buy the junk food (and oh yes, I make a special trip to the store sometimes just for junk food) I think to myself, "I know what they're thinking.  They're all thinking 'look at that fat woman, she doesn't need any more junk food.'"  

Photo credit: colros / Foter.com / CC BY

I'm mentally kicking myself for knowing what to do and yet not doing it. I realize no one can make these changes except for me. And I need to do better.  I am quickly becoming that woman that took an entire box of cookies to her room, hid and eat it. The woman who would hide candy bars in her purse and eat them whenever she was alone. One thing I do know is that I never want to be her again.  I can do this, I need to quit whining and making stuipd decisions and do it. My tomorrow starts today. Wish me luck! 

Tidbits - Episode 1

Many times I think of random bits of information that I want to share, but they aren't really enough to make a blog post.  I call these tidbits.  And so, when I've accumulated enough of my little tidbits to make a post, you'll have a Tidbits Episode ;)


~ Sometimes, when dealing with my mother's cancer, I feel completely alone. Today we went to a doctor's appointment and once again rehashed the whole stage 3/4 conversation with the doctor. And while he didn't come right out and say stage 4, he did say that is "one of my biggest concerns".  Which makes me think he's leaning more in that direction now. So I came home sort of depressed and wishing I could reach out to someone.  My husband was at work, and what could he do anyways? Couldn't call him.  My brother and sister basically deal with the situation by pretending it doesn't exist (and so do I 99% of the time). And I didn't want to start them worrying as I was. I could call up a friend, but why? They could do nothing for me, and I know how helpless it feels when you want to help someone and you can't. So I was sad about mama and feeling sorry for myself when my youngest son asked me what was wrong. I cried and told him. He gave me a big hug and said it would be ok.   You know, sometimes I close myself off and get on a pity party for no reason.  My friends may not know how to help me, and my siblings may be struggling with this too. But they're there for me. All I have to do is ask.

~ For about a month a little while back I stayed up late waiting for my husband to get home from work. During this time I would start craving a snack around 10 o'clock.  It was never anything really big. A small bowl of cereal, a cookie, sometimes fruit.  But it was always something sweet.  After a month of doing this it became a habit.  And since I've started trying to get into shape again, and I am serious this time, I am trying to kick this habit. It is really hard!  I've actually started going to bed earlier, so most of the time I'm asleep by 10. But if I am awake, you can set your watch by it. Around 10pm my body starts hinting that it would like something sweet. And I start mentally tallying what we have that I would like.  Then I have to mentally slap myself. "QUIT IT!" I say.  I'm not gonna be that person anymore. But wow, the 10 o'clock munchies are rough!

~ And on that subject, I lost 2 more pounds. Woohoo, go me!  I'm down to 272 now. Which is awesome, but seeing that I was 265 and then gained 10 and am now trying to lose again what I already lost.. well,  you get the picture. So instead of whining about where I was, I've set a new goal. 270.  I figure I'll take this thing in 10 pound increments. That way I don't get overwhelmed and I can get to them quicker.  So yeah, 2 more pounds to my first goal!

~ I want to do a blog post soon about my day. I feel like I am in a solid run from morning till night, every day.  But when I type out what I do, it seems so.. little. I keep thinking people will read that and be like, "That's it? That's what you do all day? I could wrap that up in a couple of hours"  Maybe I'll do a week instead lol.

~ Finding time to blog is also a bit of a challenge. I want to update this thing regularly, but at the same time, I don't want to neglect my house, my family, or my diet to do so.  So I get frustrated thinking about how I need to do an update, and then I get frustrated because I am spending time writing that I could be using to do something else. It's an ugly cycle.

What's for dinner?

“Cooking is at once child's play and adult joy. And cooking done with care is an act of love.” 

― Craig Claiborne

I am not a great cook.  Most of the time when I experiment with a recipe or try to come up with one on my own the end result is not pretty.  And it sure doesn't taste good. Occasionally I will have a success. But not often enough that I can trust myself to just randomly come up with pleasing recipes. To this end I recently purchased several cookbooks.  I first bought 400 Calorie Fix on discount at Wal-Mart for $6.  I got it because I liked the idea of eating 400 calorie meals.  It seemed fairly easy and full of foods that not only I would eat, but my family would as well.  I cooked many recipes from this book for a couple of months and then I got the 400 Calorie Fix Cookbook for Christmas.  Yay, more recipes! In January we went to a local flea market where I found several Taste of Home cookbooks.  So now I have a nice collection of cookbooks and recipes.

I've always been a lazy one. I enjoy eating out. I love food. All food. But the thing I loved most was not having to cook. I hated cooking with a passion, mostly because I cooked the same few things over and over and over.  So I preferred eating out to cooking at home. But since I've started dieting I have to cook my meals. Sure I can eat out occasionally, but any food you buy at any restaurant, fast food or not, is laden with calories. So in order to keep my calories low, I need to cook the majority of my meals. First I sat down with my cookbooks and made note of every recipe that looked good to me. I also looked for 400 calorie recipes online, and made myself a notebook with them.  Armed with all of my new information I started cooking. And do you know what I discovered?  Cooking is FUN!  At first it was a chore that I hated with a passion.  But then it grew on me, and pretty soon I would rather go home and cook than eat out.  I KNOW!  Who would have thought I would ever say that?!  But the food that I prepare at home is just so tasty. And really most of my recipes are super simple that take very little time.  And an average meal for me is around 500 calories. 

Skillet Pork Chop with onion gravy, Honey-Lemon Carrots,
Fried Corn, Homemade Mac and Cheese - 608 calories

Ok so the Mac and cheese put me a little up on calories for that meal.  I don't care, it was soooo worth it.  I don't think I'll ever win an award for plating. And probably not for cooking. But what I have done is made my family look forward to dinner again and discovered a love for food that I didn't even know I had.  And I think the reason that I don't fail miserably at my diet is because 90% of what I eat is home cooked meals.  Now if I could just get rid of the junk food habit!  UGG!

Here I am, now what are your other two wishes?

I love that line, my daughters friend says it often, and it makes me happy. Whenever I start reading a blog, I always think to myself, who is this person?  And I read the about me, and go back in the archives, and I try to get a sense of who this person is. What their life is like, how they live, what makes them happy, sad, and so on.   So I figure the place to start this blog is by telling you all a little about myself, my life, and what I'll be writing about.

First a little about me.  I'm 38 years old and I have 3 beautiful children.  I have numerous nieces and nephews whom I love to babysit. I have been with my husband for over 20 years and we've been married for 18 years.  I married my first love, and though there have been times when we've argued I couldn't have found a better match for me. I'm all about family, I still have dinner with my siblings, their families, and my parents once a month.  Oh and my parents are divorced, we'll get to that later I'm sure. I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.


I suppose the next thing you should know about me is that I am 130lbs overweight.  My daughter tells me that I should post my weight. That until I can admit it I'll never defeat it. I sure do hope she's wrong about that one because I'm just not ready to post it yet. Even admitting how much overweight I am is a big deal for me.  I hate that I am this out of shape, I hate that I have let myself get to this point. But I am proud of me now.  Right now I am working on this. I have lost 16lbs already, it was more but I had gained some back before I started working on it again. And this time, I am serious. I am GOING to get to my goal weight, and I am going to be a healthier person. It will happen.  And one day, I will admit what I weigh, but it is not this day.

There is no easy way to say this next part, so I'll just jump right into it. My mother has Lung Cancer. As of this point they have no idea if it is stage 3 or 4 or what her prognosis is.  We should find all of that out in February once she has her first scans after chemo. There is a lot that goes with this, so I'll save it for my next post. My mother-in-law also has breast cancer.  These two women are such an encouragement to me in my daily life. Seeing how strong they are, how hard they're fighting.  I take my mother for all of her chemo and I take my mother-in-law some.  But rather than being down and upset about it I find my time with them more precious than ever.  I'm not miserable and I don't want you feeling sorry for me. But I will be talking about this and I want you to know about it.

So that's basically it, I'll be blogging about myself, my family, my weight loss trials, and dealing with two different cancers in my mother and mother-in-law.  And I am sure there will be several random posts thrown in just because I'm a random kinda gal.