My 20 day challenge

The only thing I actually took away from the real food mini-challenges I was doing was to buy more organic foods and to eat 4-6 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. And I suppose that it was a success because those two things have to do some good, right?  And I've seen so many challenges floating around that I always think "I could do that!"  But when it comes time to actually do it.. well, not so much.   So I was thinking one day why not challenge myself? Why not make a challenge that will be difficult and take some work, but it is doable for me. Why not set myself up to succeed instead of fail. And then hopefully I can do another challenge and add on a few more things.  And so without further adieu:

Image courtesy of arztsamui / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So maybe you're thinking, "What is so hard about that?"  Well frankly anything from sodas down. It's freaking HARD!  I have a sweet tooth, like honest to goodness could eat every. single. sweet.  All of them. It doesn't matter what it is, I want it. And I'll even make a special trip to the store to get sweets.  I'm just that darn addicted to them. So going without anything sweet for 20 days is gonna be a challenge for sure.  So that's my goal. I'll also be blogging about the process. So stay tuned for those fun whine filled posts!  Wish me luck~

10 Life Pro Tips...

I actually use in my day to day life.  I know you've seen them, they're everywhere.  I'm constantly barraged by tips that look so cool and amazing. And I always think, "WOW! I could totally do that!" But do I?  No. Because that would take time and effort, and who has that to spare?  So I give you 10 tips that I have found online that I actually implemented and use to this day. These are things that were cool enough for me to remember, useful enough for me to do, and worked well enough that I continued to use them more than the one trial run. In no particular order:

Need a chip clip?  I have tons of these hangers lying around and almost never used them. Then I ran across this little tip. 

Don't want to break them apart just in case you ever decide to hang pants on them again? Then how about using them to hold your cookbook while you're cooking? I keep one of these on my kitchen cabinets for just this reason.

My husband is a cord collector. If there is ever a cord he didn't want to keep I don't know what it is. And that used to drive me insane. Until I found this little tip. Now all of our cords are organized in one box.  Way easier, and when we do need one of those cords I can find it at a glance.

Every single time I vacuumed out my van my Shop-Vac would unplug several times. Then hubby taught me this little trick which saved me a lot of aggravation. Yes, I know. I should have thought of that on my own. What can I say? One track mind...

Folding fitted sheets was my nemesis.  I hated it. But this really does make it simple and fast. And I can do it all by myself :) Which, let's be honest, I'm going to be doing it by myself.  

It's a brownie. In a mug. And it takes a little over a minute. Do I really need to say anymore?

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I have tried so many tips to keep from crying when I cut onions. I've frozen the onions, had a spoon hanging out of my mouth, and even applied chest rub beneath my nose.  This works better than anything I've ever done

I often burn pictures to CD's for family members. And this keeps me from spending entirely too much money on little plastic cases which we lose or break anyways 

I love this tip. Love, love, love it! Before I found this I was forever cleaning those little slivers of soap from my soap try in the shower. And it was annoying, took forever, and wasted money. Now I simply stick it onto the new bar and voila! 

Somebody please tell me why this works? I'm astonished by it. I'll actually stand and watch my pot of boiling water wondering at the fact that it isn't boiling over. It's the simple things that make me happy ;)  

(PS. I found these images from various facebook shares, if anyone recognizes and image and knows where it came from let me know, I'd love to give proper credit where credit is due :)  ) 

And then there was one....

Flickr

On August 24th my Shaner will be moving out. He and a friend of his have found a place and he's ready to spread his wings. And again I am torn. My heart is aching and full of pride at the same time.  Having kids is such an amazing and heart wrenching journey.

When they first burst into your life screaming, peeing, never sleeping little monsters you're both amazed and horrified. You can't believe that this little human being lived inside of you for nine months. You take your little bundle home and settle in for a good rest because you're exhausted from the trial of giving birth. And then they cry. They cry when they're hungry, when they're sleepy. They cry when they want held, when they need changed. They cry over everything. And you're pretty sure you're going to go crazy because it's been two weeks since you brought this little angel/devil home and you're not sure if you're ever going to sleep again. But mixed in with these moments of insanity are also moments of intense joy. Like when you're feeding your baby and it wraps it's tiny hand around your pinky finger.  And you marvel at the tiny fingers, toes, eyes, ears, and mouth.  Or maybe the first time they smile at you and your heart feels like it's going to explode inside your chest. In a single year you'll see such a marvelous transformation. Sleeping through the night for the first time, holding up their head, rolling over, crawling, pulling up, walking, getting teeth, begining to verbalize. So much happens and it goes so quickly. And you look back at the end of that year and can't believe how far they've come.

Then they become a toddler and when they aren't trying to climb to the very top of your house you're sure they're trying to kill themselves. They'll stick their fingers into anything that is open, just because they can. Everything goes into the mouth and you're forever saying, "No," and "Stop that!"  And sometimes you forget that this rambunctious little being is the center of your world. Because you're tired and you're frustrated and you just want a break. And you sit down to cry and little hands touch your face and a tiny voice says, "Why you tryin' mama?" And you smile and say something silly to make them laugh. And you realize how much they've grown in such a short time.

Soon they're prepubescent, which is basically a fancy word for 13 going on 30.  They talk back, they're asserting their independence more. And you're ready to scream. You'll gladly go back to that toddler stage and pull them down off the top of the refrigerator or save them from hanging on to the shower head because at least then you ruled the world. At that point in time you were always right and never wrong. And tensions build. But you watch them become young men and women. You go to ball games and scream like a crazy woman. And though they blush and act like you're the most embarrassing person in the world, you know that secretly they love it. So you scream all the louder. You ride bikes with them, play board games. You take walks and talk about things you couldn't talk about before.

Then they become teenagers. And they can do things for themselves, and for you. And it's a wondrous and terrifying time again. Because having their help is awesome. But now more than ever they don't want to be treated like your child. They're "adults" and don't mind telling you. Often and loudly.   And you struggle for that perfect balance of letting them make their own mistakes and still being the parent that they need you to be whether they realize it or not. And you go on date nights. And they confide in you. And they tell you how much they love you.  And you cherish every moment because you know they'll be gone all too soon.

And then they are. And you have to trust that you did all that you could. That you raised them to the best of your ability with the help and grace of the good Lord. And you just have to believe that they'll be ok. And that's the hardest part. The letting go part. Because how do you just let go of someone that you have nurtured and cared for for 18 years or more. How do you set them loose in the world and trust that they'll be ok?  You pray. And you worry, and call, and stress. And they tell you to "chill out mama".

If you're going through hell, keep going - Winston Churchill

~ Standing in the middle of the grocery store
~ Waiting at a red light
~ Doing laundry

It hits me at the most random of times.  I can be fine for days. And then suddenly my chest is tight and my eyes are overflowing.  She's gone. My mama is gone.  And I know as a good Christian I should be happy. She's in heaven, she has her reward.  But I'm not happy. I want her here. Heaven is a fabulous place from all I read.  But it isn't here. I can't go hug her. I can't call her and ask for advice. I can't call her and tell her how my day went or about the things that are worrying me or bothering me.  I can't have dinner with her.  All I can do is remember her. And I miss her.   God I miss her so bad.  And I don't want her back the way she was right before she died. The pale, weak, tired woman who was doing her best just to keep going. I want the vibrant woman who was here just last year.  Just one year ago she was full of life. She wasn't tired or wore down. She wasn't sick.  She was fine.



It seems as if I spent the last nine months always going. Never really taking the time to just be in the moment.  I figured if I stayed busy and pretended this wasn't happening that it would just go away. And it didn't. But my mama did.  I wish so bad I had every single one of those moments back. If I could just go back to one of the many times she said "Sit down and stay a while Julie".  One of the many times I said I couldn't. I had so much to do. So much stuff that needed done. And it all could have waited. Someone else could have taken Amanda to class.  The chores would have waited. I could have asked for more help from my family. I should have insisted on it.  I could have had a cup of coffee with mama. I could have cooked dinner with her more. More than once I told mama I was sorry. I was trying. I just had so much to do. "It's ok, I understand" She always understood. And what I wouldn't give for those moments back.

You know you always hear that you should treasure your loved ones because one day they'll be gone and you will wish you'd had that time back.  It's so true. It's so unbelievably true. I always thought that was a beautiful sentiment. And I was so sure I was living that way. Till I lost my mom and realized how much time I wasted that I could have spent with her.

Go find your mama, daddy, child, husband, wife, or friend and hug them. Tell them all how much they mean to you. And spend every moment you can with them. Because the moments spent with them are the things you'll remember. And the moments spent in pursuit of the perfect life will be the ones you regret.

On loss and love....

On June 2, 2013 my mother went home to be with the Lord.  She fought cancer valiantly and left a hole in my heart and life that will never be filled.

Mama never had an easy life. But she also never complained. When we were little I remember her always being active. She never sat around. She was always cooking, cleaning, gardening, or playing with us.  She loved flowers and she had numerous flower beds that she would tinker around in while we would run around playing.  Once I decided to help her weed one of her flower beds. I was so sure I was helping her out. I went out and spent about 30 minutes pulling every single weed out of her flower garden. Then I went inside and grabbed her hand, dragging her outside to show her my handy work.   When we got out the front door she exclaimed "JULIE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
"I pulled the weeds"
"You pulled the flowers!"  And she laughed.
That was always one of our fondest memories. We'd laugh about how I pulled all of the flowers out of her garden and left the weeds. I would tell her that the weeds looked prettier to me. And she'd remind me that she did thank me for trying to help.  And that's the way it was with mama.  Whenever life threw a curve ball at her she laughed and went on. I think it was her faith in Jesus that gave her such strength and inner peace.

Once she was diagnosed with cancer I'm sure she had bad days. I remember calling her one day and asking how she was doing. "I'm fine" She had been crying, but that was always her answer. She was always fine. Even when she wasn't.  And I would playfully tell her "Liar"  And we'd both laugh.  After she was diagnosed my siblings and I went to her house to have a meeting. Sort of an "Oh Lord, what do we do now?" thing.  And I asked her if there was anything that she wanted to do. Any "bucket list" type opportunities or activities that she wanted to get out of the way. "No, " she said, "I've done it all"   I couldn't fathom this at first. How could that be so?  She never lived in the fancy houses that I know she dreamed of. She never had a fancy car. We had talked about traveling the world together. We never got to do that.  But thinking back on it now, all mama ever wanted was time with her kids. And that was enough for her. That was enough to make her content.  As my kids begin to move out I can understand this sentiment.

One month and a week after mama passed away my beautiful baby girl moved out. She had graduated high school and wanted to move in with her boyfriend. She's 17 and I probably could have guilted her into staying home. I could have begged and pleaded, brought up the fact that I just lost mama. And she would have stayed.  But she would have been angry with me. And I don't think it would have made a difference in the long run. Sooner or later she was going to move out and begin her life on her own.  And probably sooner rather than later.  And it would have been just as hard then as it is now.

Yesterday (Wednesday, July 10) we loaded all of Amanda's boxes into my van and I drove her to her boyfriend's house. He lives about a 45 minute drive away and we planned to drop her off when I took my nephew to his therapy, which is about 10 minutes away from her boyfriends house.  I had a week to prepare myself for this, but a year wouldn't have been enough. When she took the last of her boxes into his house I broke down.  I tried really hard not to leave her crying but it was just impossible.

I spent the next couple of hours at therapy, driving, feeding animals, and just generally trying not to think about what had just happened. But when I finally got home and went in my house it was impossible not to think about. Therapy is every Wednesday and most days Amanda went with me.  After the hour ride there, home, and an hour sitting in the waiting room she was always full of energy. The first thing she would do when she came in was start up some music and start dancing in my living room. She'd pester me about working out with her. "You gonna work out with me today mama?" I had a litany of excuses. I was too tired, had too cook dinner, needed to clean house.  I wish I had danced with her more and made excuses less.

So when I came into my now empty house (my boys were both gone to friends for the night) it hit me full force. My baby was gone. She wasn't going to dance around my living room anymore.  She wasn't going to needle me into working out with her or unload the dishwasher while I started dinner. And so I cried.  Thankfully my son saw a post of mine on facebook and called. "You want some company mom?"
 "YES PLEASE!"
He and his girlfriend came and spent the afternoon with me. They left about 10 minutes before my husband came home and he held me while I cried myself to sleep.

This morning I went into her room to check out what she'd left behind.  I saw the fuzzy robe that I had given her, the clutch that we had found that went perfectly with the dress that we bought for the winter formal. The one she never got to attend.  And I kept thinking things like "She'll never get to wear  her fuzzy robe again" and "We just bought her that bed a few months ago so she would sleep better." Suddenly I realized that I was acting as if she were dead. Like she was gone and I would never see her again. And I realized that I never really grieved for mama.  I have been sad and I have cried. But I haven't allowed myself to think of her as gone.  Because if I actually acknowledge that my mother is dead then I have to face the fact that I will never again hug her. I won't playfully chide her about not eating enough.  She won't laugh at my silliness and tell me I worry too much or I work too hard.

And Amanda moving suddenly made all of this clear to me. I was grieving her as if she had died because I couldn't bring myself to admit that mama had. I couldn't handle the thought that my mama was gone and she wasn't coming back. Mandy moving is hard, I miss her fiercely. But I can go visit her whenever I want. I can call her every day. She's still here. She's just not living with me anymore.  My mama is gone. I'll never again be able to call her and gripe about my husband, my children, or that woman in the grocery store who was rude to me.  I can't go sit in her living room and talk to her about everything and nothing at the same time. I won't hear her laugh over some silly joke I made that no one else found funny.  We won't be able to watch movies together and cry. And we'll never travel the world. And it hurts.  It hurts to the very core of my being. And I don't say anything because I don't want all of the looks of sympathy. I don't want people calling me all the time to check on me. I just want to grieve. I want to miss my mama and cry and I want it to be ok for me to do that. Because when people call to check on me, then I feel like I'm pitying myself.  I feel like I need to get over myself and my need to grieve. Lots of people have lost their parents. I'm not the first, I won't be the last. Why should I carry on so?  But when people leave me to it I can cry. I'm not depressed. I'm not wallowing in it. I am missing my mama.

On hiatus

Just in case it wasn't already apparent I'm going to be taking a little break from blogging. Actually not a true break. More a break in the sense that I won't be trying to post every week. I will post when I have the time and inclination to do so.   Comprende?

The diet isn't going great because of the emotional eating. and the simple fact is that I don't how much time my mom has left.  Maybe she has years, I certainly hope so. And maybe it's months.  Whatever it is I want to be able to spend as much time with her as possible. So the time I was normally working on this blog I will be spending with her and my family. And when inspiration strikes or I just need to get something off my chest then I'll be here pounding it out on my keyboard. But rather than pressure myself to get a new entry out every week, I'm just gonna let whatever will be will be.  I hope those of you who do read this will understand.

And if you don't then by all means, carry on to some place new ;)