March Madness

So around the 10th of March I decided I needed to start keeping a journal. I use MyFitness Pal to keep a food log, I have MapMyFitness to keep track of my walks (which I haven't done any of lately), and I now own a FitBit. With all of these wonderful high tech gadgets, I feel like the thing that may help me most right now is just a simple log of my day. Most of the time it is one or two sentences, sometimes it is more. I normally write a quick bit in the morning when I get up, and then a follow-up the next morning about how that day ended. I have simple goals for this month. And since I mention them in my writing I will share them here:

Goals:

 - 3500 steps per day
- 16 oz of water per day
- no candy
- don't go over your calorie limit

3-10-15 

8:00 AM - 300 lbs. I'm not sure if that is right. If it is, it shouldn't be. I ate way too many calories this last week. My goal is 1978 calories today, let's see if I can manage that. 

BMD, AMD

Time has marched on, and the day I have dreaded for a few years is quickly approaching. My sons will be moving out soon. 

Harry

I am both happy and saddened by this. My one desire for my children is that they would grow up to be strong, independent, productive members of society. I want them to have their own space, to know joy and embrace life. But I want them to do all of that while still under my wings, darn it!  Ignore that, that's the controlling part of me screaming, and the mothering part of me crying out.  Soon my nest will truly be empty. And this is one of those times that I find my heart crying out for mama. 

Kevin Jarrett

Sometimes it seems as if my life is measured in two sections. BMD: Before Mama Died, and AMD: After Mama Died.  Before mama died I have memories, lovely memories. And I have regrets. So many things I wish I had done that I didn't do. Why didn't we go try on wedding dresses? The only thing she asked to do, but we never found the time to do it. Why didn't I go visit her more? Force her to move in with me? Move in with her?  The why's and what if's would drive me crazy if I let them. So I shush them and just try to remember the good times. Her singing and dancing in the kitchen with me. The look on her face when we gave her the train she'd always wanted for Christmas. 

AMD is full of times I need her reassurances that this too shall pass. Like now. What was it like for her when we were all out of the house? How did she handle this aching? It's crazy, the things that I never thought to ask her before, but now, now that I am going through these things, I want to ask her. How do I handle this mama? What did you do?  

Three hundred and eleven

Three-one-one, tres-uno-uno.  How is that possible?

Last August I finally bit the bullet and set up all of my yearly physicals. Things I haven't done since I was a child because I abhor waiting in a doctor's office for five minutes of care which costs me well over $100.  I just feel it's stupid. Our insurance company didn't agree with me. They made it mandatory.  Fine.

Ok, I'll go, but I won't like it. 

Anyone who has read any of this blog knows that I have been trying to lose weight for two years. And in that time my weight has yoyo-ed as dealt with mama's cancer and then death. So when I made these appointments I was expecting bad news. At my heaviest before all of that I weighed 296lbs.  And that was bad. So I was thinking maybe 300, possibly even 305. I mean it was going to be bad, but I had lost down to 276 at one point, so really how bad could it be?

Well let me tell you, it was bad. When I stepped on those scales my weight was 311lbs.  That was apparently the shock I needed because for 3 months I kicked my tail into gear and lost a total of 18lbs, bringing my weight down to 293.  Then came Thanksgiving and Christmas, both really hard times for me in terms of emotional eating. It's when I miss mama the most, when I think of her most. December is her birthday and Christmas and every time I turn around I am wishing she was here. So I pretty much gave up again. And I did it willingly. I did it knowing what I was doing.  January rolled around and I had my first visit with my new gynecologist.  I stepped on the scale and shocked myself again 307 lbs. All of that work that I had just done was gone. I was almost back to my starting weight in August.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

And you know what the worst part was? I couldn't blame anyone. I knew what I was doing when I did it.  My doctor had told me when I went to see her in August that if I needed some help, she could probably prescribe something. I wanted to try and do it on my own first, no help. Because I knew I could. Also because what good is a pill that makes you not hungry when hunger doesn't figure into my extra eating? I don't have to be hungry. I don't have to be anything. I love food. And it gives me comfort. When I am happy, sad, excited, bored, whatever. And sugar is the worst for me. Sugar is my drug of choice. 

So once again I find myself rebooting my diet, no pills still. Exercising my body and my demons. I firmly believe that I can do this. And if you've read this all before and are rolling your eyes, keep rolling them. The only time you ever fail at anything is when you stop trying. And I'm not giving up!


Picture credits: First/Second

Moving on?

Mama has been gone 1 year, 3 months. That's 10,969 hours; 658,170 minutes; 39,490,200 seconds.  And still I miss her so bad at times that I will spend an entire week trying my best not to cry.  I wonder sometimes if I went to the doctor and told them how I feel if they wouldn't diagnose me as depressed and try to give me a pill to fix it.

Losing mama was the most traumatic thing I have been through thus far in my life. She wasn't just a parent to me, she was my friend. She was the first person I would call when ever I had a problem. And the first one I would call when I had some new and exciting news to share. She encouraged me, listened to me, and prayed with me, and I miss her terribly.

I confess that in the past I've been just as guilty of thinking someone who is grieving should "get over it" already. Your job will usually give you three days. You plan the memorial service, cry, and greet people you haven't seen in years, if ever. And then you're supposed to suck it up and move on. But loosing someone isn't that easy.

The night before my son had surgery on his ankle I wanted so desperately to call her. For her to tell me everything would be fine. I've heard people speak about forgetting that someone is dead so they'll start to call and realize they aren't there. I can't forget. I never forget. Every day it's a refrain that plays in my mind. "She's gone, she's gone, she's gone"  I never accidentally pick up the phone to call her. I know I can't. But I so desperately want to.  So very very badly.

The one thing her loss has taught me is that it isn't fair of me to put a timeline on grief, whether mine or someone else's.  Every single person, every relationship, is different. Whether you grieved a few days and moved on or are still grieving multiple years later, that is your journey. And it's one that we all must take on our own time and in our own way. And I don't want to feel guilty about missing my mama any more. I don't want to feel like it is wrong of me to ache at her loss.  I'll mourn for her as long as I need to, until I can move on.

Parenting Lessons I Wish I Had Learned Sooner

My children are grown. There will be no more muddy hand prints on the front door. The time when they would rush up to me and hug me tight, just because, has left. They still hug me, but now it's when they're leaving.  And sometimes, when I think back over our years together, there are some lessons I wish I had learned sooner.

"They grow up so fast."  Every person who has ever had a child has said this.  You never get it till they're almost grown. Then you desperately try to grab those moments. By the time I realized it my children were teenagers, and felt like I was smothering them; I was.  The dishes can pile up, the house may be a wreck, there will be grass to mow and bills to pay, budgets to balance and money to stress over. You will never get these days back.  Let it all go, and go play with your children.

We cuss, smoke, drink, gossip, and call people names.  And we wonder where our children get it from. You can tell them all day long. They are watching you.  Who you are will become a big part of who they will be. Your actions speak louder than your words. Use their scrutiny to become a better person, and you will, in turn, teach your child to be one.

When I grew up you did what your parents said, unquestionably.  And so when my children were younger I had this same stance. You do what I say, when I say it, because I said to do it. If I told my child to sit on the couch, I wanted them to sit in the exact spot I told them to sit in. And sit, don't lie down.  So many ridiculous battles I fought. What difference did it make which spot they were in or if they were sitting or lying down? The simple fact that they did go to the couch was obedience. Living with me at times was like living with the Borg, resistance was futile.  And when it came to questioning me about anything, that was unacceptable.

I wish I had answered the questions, why? what? how? I wish I had taken the time to teach them to ask questions, to seek answers; to learn. I had tried harder to encourage their free spirit and strong wills, rather than stamp them into my cookie cutter molds.

When DIY goes wrong...

and then right again! So earlier this year I shared a post in which I was going to try and accomplish 10 different crafts this year. The first of these was a laundry soap that I was pretty excited to try.  I actually first made this back in January but I wanted to try making it two different ways before posting so I would know what I am talking about lol  So without further adieu~

I'll start with the creamy mayonnaisy (totally a word) version of this soap.  First the directions, condensed version.

Ingredients:

1 bar Fels Naptha
1 cup 20 Mule Team Borax
1 cup Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda
2 Quart size Ball Jars (or 2 quart size somethings to put this stuff into)







Grate, chop, or otherwise disintegrate the Fels Naptha bar.  You may be able to tell but I just chopped mine up into tiny pieces. Put 1/2 of the bar into each jar and fill halfway with boiling water.

Put these out of the way and forget about them for 24 hours.  Or a week.. you know, whatever works for you.  When you finally realize you have soap congealing on the back of your sink take a butter knife and slice that stuff into chunks. Add 1/2 cup borax and 1/2 cup washing soda to each jar. Then fill to the brim with water.

The Brim ;)  

The instructions said to take the blade off of your blender and attach it to your jars. Well my blender is old, and that didn't work. So I decided I would just add the stuff to the blender.. and this is where it got tricky. See I decided to be Miss Impatient and try to do it all at once. So I had two jars almost full of this stuff and I tried dump both into the blender and managed to get about 1 and 2/3 into the blender. But then I tried to blend.  haha.. no.  My blender was not having that. It looked like a volcano on the verge of erupting with stuff bubbling out everywhere. So I had to try and get at least half of my ingredients back out of the mixer.

See that? Don't do that!

After I finally sorted this mess out, mixed everything up, and poured it into jars I wound up with a little over two jars worth.  I'm pretty sure I did something wrong.. but hey, it still worked!

The directions recommended using one tablespoon per load of laundry, which I faithfully did. And this lasted me about two months before I had to make more. And when that came around I had found these instructions on how to make this a powdered laundry soap.  Basically do almost everything the same as you did it before, minus water.  

1) Grate the Fels Naptha bar, then switch out the attachment.

 2) Put the shredded bar back into the processor, add Borax and Washing Soda. Pulse till the bar is coarsely ground and all ingredients are thoroughly mixed.

Then I poured it into a jar and voila~  Laundry Soap.   

Now just because you guys are so great and read this far, I've also been using my own homemade fabric softener. I found the recipe on The Hippy Homemaker's blog. I love that site.  And my wonderful husband has had a box of rock salts sitting around forever.  Part of a long abandoned project. I can't tell you what it was, neither of us remember. So I spent $7 on essential oils (I found them on sale at Hobby Lobby) and now my laundry is the softest it has ever been. I kid you not. I love this stuff. Plus it smells divine, and it's even easier to make than the laundry soap.

Add one cup of Rock salts to whatever you'll be keeping them in. Add 20 drops each of your essential oils, I used Lemongrass and Lavender.  Shake well. Add 1 teaspoon to each load of laundry. That's it.  Easy peasy!

She adds it to her laundry soap, which would probably work great. I kept it separate because I wasn't sure how well it would work, I have been pleasantly surprised!

Now for your questions:

Does the laundry soap work?
Yes, it actually does, and very well. We're a messy family. Heck I need a bib to eat about half the time or I wear my food. And my boys are rough and tumble guys who work outside. One works with a utility crew so he digs a lot of ditches (think lots of mud on his clothes). And the other works with a grounds maintenance crew so his clothes have a lot of grass/dirt/anything flying around outside on them.  I haven't been disappointed even once while using this. If you like perfumy laundry soaps then this may not be for you. Or maybe there is a way to add fragrance. I dunno. I was already using unscented laundry detergent. And this is kinda like that. It comes out of the washer smelling... clean.  Does that make sense?

Is it worth it?

Totally. I was using All Mighty Pacs before trying this out and I had managed to make a bag of 48 last a month and a half. (Which was good).  But at $9.99 I was paying around $0.21 per load. With this soap I average about $0.07 per load.  And my clothes are clean and smell good.  Why wouldn't I keep using this?

Powdered or Mayonnaise blend?

Honestly for me. I am going powdered. There isn't a difference between the two as far as cleaning ability or smell.  For me it's all about ease of use. The powdered version is easier to make. I did it in about 15 minutes. And it's easier to use. At first the mayo blend isn't that bad. But when you get further down into the jar you either need a long spoon or you're gonna be a mess trying to get that out.  So the powdered works better for me as far as that goes.  

What about the fabric softener?

I love it. It gives our clothes a faint lavender/lemon scent and it really does soften them! I was pleasantly surprised by that fact.  

These two have now become staples at my house. I haven't bought washing powders/liquid or fabric softener in six months. And I don't plan on going back!