In loving memory

I apologize for the delay in my post. We had another loss in the family and I've been dealing with that and the feelings it brought back to me. In memory of those I've lost in the last year and a half.

"Uncle" Pat - July 2012

Pat passed away a little over a year ago.  She was an amazing woman, and my sister-in-law.  When my children were little they couldn't keep Aunt and Uncle straight. So they called her "Uncle" Pat and her husband "Aunt".  The moniker stuck and from that point forward she was Uncle Pat to every kid around her. She was my husbands best friend and confidant and her loss for him was much like the loss of my mother was for me.  Their childhood was not ideal and they only really had each other to lean on.  Through trials and separations they remained close.  She helped hubby through the loss of their brother. His first and closest friend, the one he'd been through everything with. And then she came back into his life again shortly before the death of their father.  She was his rock, and mine too. She had a quick smile and an even faster wit. She doted on her grandson and kept us all laughing with her silly jokes.  And we miss her greatly.

Uncle Danny - September 2013

Maybe you recognize the lady in this picture. That is my Aunt and her husband Danny. I swear that woman amazes me with her strength. After losing my mother barely three months ago her husband died suddenly.  Uncle Danny had fought a long illness and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't visit them more often.  I remember him much younger than this, with curly blond hair. They had bought my cousin a horse for something, her birthday maybe? And he was trying to "break" it. I can see him clear as day in my mind. On the back of that horse and it bucking wildly. In my memory I'm laughing at the sight. But I don't remember if I was actually laughing at the time or just terrified that he was going to get killed. He didn't, and he did tame the horse.   I remember us going to their house once because they had a pig we were going to slaughter. I remember bits of this, not an entire picture.  I remember seeing a bunch of grown men chase a pig around the yard because it had escaped. Or maybe it was in the pen. I'm really not sure. But it's a funny memory and still makes me smile. When I think of Uncle Danny that's how I'll remember him, wild and free. He always made me think he stepped out of some macho movie. He was Chuck Norris to me before I knew who Chuck Norris was.   I thought he could do anything.

Mama - June 2013

What can I say about mama that I haven't said already? I miss her so terribly bad. I look at pictures of her and I cry. Because I can't go sit and chat with her. I try not to think about it. My way of dealing with the entire situation is just to pretend it did not happen. And then there are those moments when I am forced to face the facts. And they are hard. I swallow the lump in my throat and force myself not to think. To not fall into this abyss that is looming at my feet. I know she is in a better place. I know that she is no longer in pain, and she was in so much pain. I know that she is no longer short of breath or struggling in any way. I want her here. I want her to be better here with me.

The one crappy part about life is that sooner or later you have to say goodbye to the people you love. Whether it be saying goodbye to a loved one who has gone on before you. Or maybe your time is looming and you're saying your final goodbyes.   The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that one day we'll meet again in heaven. By the grace of God and the forgiveness of Christ Jesus, one day...

Could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. ~ Khalil Gibran

BLEGH!

How is the challenge going? you ask.  Well....

Yup, that great.  I'm two weeks into the challenge and I swear it feels like I'm a complete failure at this.  In the two weeks that I've been doing it I've had about 3 cans of soda. That's the 12-oz cans. We had soda with us while camping and I drank two. And then the rest is just me sipping on soda when charlie picks one up while we're out and about. Considering that I was having 2-3 10 oz glasses of soda every day I suppose that is an accomplishment. Considering that the challenge was to have none.. well there ya go.  As far as the sweets go I'm doing about the same on that. I go days without anything and then one of the boys will bring something home. And there goes the diet. We also went camping this past weekend which was a blast, but let's be honest. If I am sitting there watching people make S'mores, I'm gonna be making them two. And eating them.

So where are we at? We're aggravated with ourself. That's where we're at.  I just keep asking myself, is this it Jules? Is this who you want to be? Really? This is all you're willing to do? This is as hard as you're willing to try? If I continue down this road it's a pretty sure bet I won't see 80. Probably not even 70.   I'm at a higher risk for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer. I'm killing myself with food as surely as a smoker does with a cigarette. And I'm apathetic to it. I want to change.. just as long as I don't have to actually change. As long as I can continue to eat what I want, drink what I want, and do what I want.  As long as I don't have to do anything different at all. Then heck yea, lets change.  

The frustrating part is I DO want it. I DO want to change. And mixed in with these bad days are some good days. But all I can focus on are my failures. And even when I eat something that isn't on my forbidden list I still beat myself up.  "Pizza for dinner? You freaking slob. You can't even get one thing right."   Uh, hello. Pizza is allowed. And it isn't as if I ate an entire pizza. I ate 1 slice. But oh no, that's a no no. I shouldn't have eat that. And that starts me onto the whole "Well you've already screwed up. No reason to try now" path.  I swear I feel like I am stuck in an endless loop of attempts and screw ups. Like this is as good as I am ever going to be. This is as good as it gets.  

photo credit: Monroe's Dragonfly via photopin cc

I feel ya buddy.. I feel ya.

Tidbits - Episode 3

~ The challenge: Well it's going, and that's about all I can say about that. I've screwed up entirely too many times. And I can't decide whether to be disgusted with myself or proud of the fact that I'm still trying to stick to it. I absolutely hate this. I hate craving sugar. It sucks. And it seems like the minute I make it off-limits I feel like I could commit murder for something sweet. I've done this before. I once gave up soda and sweets for 2 weeks. The first week was torture, but after that it was a lot easier, and I felt better. Now I swear it seems like I can't drive by a store without feeling an insane urge to stop and get something. And it seems like the very minute I try and do better my kids decide they gotta have something sweet.  Really?  Sometimes I feel like this is it. I'll never be smaller than I am right now. May as well get used to being a fat woman...

I don't want to be her anymore :( But do I want to put forth the effort to change? 

~ We're going camping!  Aside from our trip to the beach we haven't left the house this summer. And I am so ready to get away again. I absolutely love camping but man do I hate the work that comes with it. Packing all of the various items, cleaning stuff that has been packed away for a year. Just everything that comes with going away for any amount of time. Bleh!  But it will be so worth it when we get there! Happy, happy, happy! :)  

Our camping set up from previous years :) 

~ My naner is staying home a little bit longer.  I'm very happy about this because as much as I try to be supportive of my kids and their desire to be independent I was about to lose it y'all. I mean like put me in one of those jackets where I can hug myself all day and let me sit in a pretty white room with bouncy floor, walls, and ceiling.  Losing mama was hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Then when Amanda moved out right afterward it felt like someone had jerked the rug out from under my feet. And then Shane was going too. I was trying to be up-beat about it, but I really just felt like I was starting to sink.  I'm glad I have a little more time to deal with it and prepare myself. I know my kids are going to move out. But I am going to love every minute I have them at home with me. 

This is me once the kids are all gone.. I'm telling y'all!

~ Speaking of kids moving out.. bugs.  Oh my little darlin. She's had such a rough time lately. A lot has happened, none of it really her fault, but today I stopped by to see her for a minute and she burst into tears while talking to me. I swear turning Mom-to-the-rescue mode into I'm-here-for-you mode is really freaking hard. When one of my kids is upset I really want to just put my cape on and kick some tail. And for those of you worrying, don't.  She'll be fine. It isn't anything God can't handle and she's a tough gal.  But we all have those moments of weakness. And doesn't it seem like they come most when you're with someone you know cares for you unequivocally? Besides, I still have that cape, and I'm not above using it ;)

My 20 day challenge

The only thing I actually took away from the real food mini-challenges I was doing was to buy more organic foods and to eat 4-6 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. And I suppose that it was a success because those two things have to do some good, right?  And I've seen so many challenges floating around that I always think "I could do that!"  But when it comes time to actually do it.. well, not so much.   So I was thinking one day why not challenge myself? Why not make a challenge that will be difficult and take some work, but it is doable for me. Why not set myself up to succeed instead of fail. And then hopefully I can do another challenge and add on a few more things.  And so without further adieu:

Image courtesy of arztsamui / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So maybe you're thinking, "What is so hard about that?"  Well frankly anything from sodas down. It's freaking HARD!  I have a sweet tooth, like honest to goodness could eat every. single. sweet.  All of them. It doesn't matter what it is, I want it. And I'll even make a special trip to the store to get sweets.  I'm just that darn addicted to them. So going without anything sweet for 20 days is gonna be a challenge for sure.  So that's my goal. I'll also be blogging about the process. So stay tuned for those fun whine filled posts!  Wish me luck~

10 Life Pro Tips...

I actually use in my day to day life.  I know you've seen them, they're everywhere.  I'm constantly barraged by tips that look so cool and amazing. And I always think, "WOW! I could totally do that!" But do I?  No. Because that would take time and effort, and who has that to spare?  So I give you 10 tips that I have found online that I actually implemented and use to this day. These are things that were cool enough for me to remember, useful enough for me to do, and worked well enough that I continued to use them more than the one trial run. In no particular order:

Need a chip clip?  I have tons of these hangers lying around and almost never used them. Then I ran across this little tip. 

Don't want to break them apart just in case you ever decide to hang pants on them again? Then how about using them to hold your cookbook while you're cooking? I keep one of these on my kitchen cabinets for just this reason.

My husband is a cord collector. If there is ever a cord he didn't want to keep I don't know what it is. And that used to drive me insane. Until I found this little tip. Now all of our cords are organized in one box.  Way easier, and when we do need one of those cords I can find it at a glance.

Every single time I vacuumed out my van my Shop-Vac would unplug several times. Then hubby taught me this little trick which saved me a lot of aggravation. Yes, I know. I should have thought of that on my own. What can I say? One track mind...

Folding fitted sheets was my nemesis.  I hated it. But this really does make it simple and fast. And I can do it all by myself :) Which, let's be honest, I'm going to be doing it by myself.  

It's a brownie. In a mug. And it takes a little over a minute. Do I really need to say anymore?

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I have tried so many tips to keep from crying when I cut onions. I've frozen the onions, had a spoon hanging out of my mouth, and even applied chest rub beneath my nose.  This works better than anything I've ever done

I often burn pictures to CD's for family members. And this keeps me from spending entirely too much money on little plastic cases which we lose or break anyways 

I love this tip. Love, love, love it! Before I found this I was forever cleaning those little slivers of soap from my soap try in the shower. And it was annoying, took forever, and wasted money. Now I simply stick it onto the new bar and voila! 

Somebody please tell me why this works? I'm astonished by it. I'll actually stand and watch my pot of boiling water wondering at the fact that it isn't boiling over. It's the simple things that make me happy ;)  

(PS. I found these images from various facebook shares, if anyone recognizes and image and knows where it came from let me know, I'd love to give proper credit where credit is due :)  ) 

And then there was one....

Flickr

On August 24th my Shaner will be moving out. He and a friend of his have found a place and he's ready to spread his wings. And again I am torn. My heart is aching and full of pride at the same time.  Having kids is such an amazing and heart wrenching journey.

When they first burst into your life screaming, peeing, never sleeping little monsters you're both amazed and horrified. You can't believe that this little human being lived inside of you for nine months. You take your little bundle home and settle in for a good rest because you're exhausted from the trial of giving birth. And then they cry. They cry when they're hungry, when they're sleepy. They cry when they want held, when they need changed. They cry over everything. And you're pretty sure you're going to go crazy because it's been two weeks since you brought this little angel/devil home and you're not sure if you're ever going to sleep again. But mixed in with these moments of insanity are also moments of intense joy. Like when you're feeding your baby and it wraps it's tiny hand around your pinky finger.  And you marvel at the tiny fingers, toes, eyes, ears, and mouth.  Or maybe the first time they smile at you and your heart feels like it's going to explode inside your chest. In a single year you'll see such a marvelous transformation. Sleeping through the night for the first time, holding up their head, rolling over, crawling, pulling up, walking, getting teeth, begining to verbalize. So much happens and it goes so quickly. And you look back at the end of that year and can't believe how far they've come.

Then they become a toddler and when they aren't trying to climb to the very top of your house you're sure they're trying to kill themselves. They'll stick their fingers into anything that is open, just because they can. Everything goes into the mouth and you're forever saying, "No," and "Stop that!"  And sometimes you forget that this rambunctious little being is the center of your world. Because you're tired and you're frustrated and you just want a break. And you sit down to cry and little hands touch your face and a tiny voice says, "Why you tryin' mama?" And you smile and say something silly to make them laugh. And you realize how much they've grown in such a short time.

Soon they're prepubescent, which is basically a fancy word for 13 going on 30.  They talk back, they're asserting their independence more. And you're ready to scream. You'll gladly go back to that toddler stage and pull them down off the top of the refrigerator or save them from hanging on to the shower head because at least then you ruled the world. At that point in time you were always right and never wrong. And tensions build. But you watch them become young men and women. You go to ball games and scream like a crazy woman. And though they blush and act like you're the most embarrassing person in the world, you know that secretly they love it. So you scream all the louder. You ride bikes with them, play board games. You take walks and talk about things you couldn't talk about before.

Then they become teenagers. And they can do things for themselves, and for you. And it's a wondrous and terrifying time again. Because having their help is awesome. But now more than ever they don't want to be treated like your child. They're "adults" and don't mind telling you. Often and loudly.   And you struggle for that perfect balance of letting them make their own mistakes and still being the parent that they need you to be whether they realize it or not. And you go on date nights. And they confide in you. And they tell you how much they love you.  And you cherish every moment because you know they'll be gone all too soon.

And then they are. And you have to trust that you did all that you could. That you raised them to the best of your ability with the help and grace of the good Lord. And you just have to believe that they'll be ok. And that's the hardest part. The letting go part. Because how do you just let go of someone that you have nurtured and cared for for 18 years or more. How do you set them loose in the world and trust that they'll be ok?  You pray. And you worry, and call, and stress. And they tell you to "chill out mama".