Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

I started this post over a month ago. I am sad to say it is still just as relevant today as it was then. Have y'all ever seen Friday Night Lights?  The TV series, not the movie.  I stumbled on it on Netflix a year or so ago and binge watched my way through it.  And then I found the movie and watched it. I loved them both. One of the things that has stuck with me ever since I watched the first episode of the show was "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose".  It became a mantra that the Dillon Panthers shouted before they headed out onto the football field to play.

Victoria Macey - Dribbble

It also became a mantra I started applying to my life. I'm a firm believer that change comes from within. If I want the world to be a better place, then I need to start with me. Start by cleaning out my baggage, my preconceptions, my biases. View every person I meet knowing that they have their own struggles, their own beliefs, but they were fearfully and wonderfully made.

Fill my heart so full of love that when terrible things happen in the world, I act, and not just speak.  I fully believe in the power of prayer. But words without actions serves me, not others. It can be something as simple as a friend with a sick child, or as terrible as an attack.  Prayer can be my first step, but it should not be my last. Can I take the mother of the sick child a meal? Offer to babysit her other children so that she can get her child to the doctor? How can I help her? Can I give blood to help out when a tragedy happens? Donate supplies to the blood banks to help out the donors when they are far away?  How can I actively show love?

During the movie, Billy Bob Thornton, who plays Coach Gaines, gives a speech. In it he says: 

Can you live in that moment, as best you can, with clear eyes and love in your heart? With joy in your heart? If you can do that, gentlemen, then you're perfect

If we can live in this moment with clear eyes and love in our hearts, we're perfect.  Clear eyes, to see that our world view isn't the only one. To see that just because we haven't experienced something, doesn't mean it hasn't happened. It just means it hasn't happened to us.  Hearts so full of love for mankind that we would listen with open ears to others concerns and make them ours. That we would begin to try and find a way to heal our country together.

Where have all the children gone?

Or rather the Mom's of adult children.  I'm an avid reader, online and in life. I devour books and I read multiple blogs daily.  Many, no actually all, of the blogs that I read about motherhood are from the viewpoint of mothers whose children are still young.  Usually 14 or younger.  I feel like fourteen is sort of a cut off date. After that we, as mothers, know that our children are heading into their teenage years. And we remember those years. We know how chaotic they are, how you feel like you don't fit in anywhere. I know if the internet had been around when I was a teenager, and my mom made a post about me. Well I would have just "died."

So I get it. I understand why the blogs are all from mommy's who have young children and why they go (mostly) silent about their children during the teenage years and beyond. I think, though, that it's also because we're ashamed. When your child is little and makes a mess all over the house, well heck, every parent has dealt with that.  Or when your elementary school child needs help with homework that you don't understand.  Been there, done that.  But when our children become teenagers, we start to think they will magically morph into pillars of society who will rarely, if ever, do anything wrong.  And telling the world that our child messed up (read, "is human") is a super scary thing. Because if they're messing up then I'm obviously a horrible parent, right?

There is no way that a good parent would have a kid who lies to them, who sneaks out in the middle of the night, who drank before the legal drinking age, or (God forbid) who cusses like a sailor.  That isn't what a good kid looks like. Especially a good Christian kid. Being a Christian isn't especially hard.  Being what society thinks is a Christian is almost impossible. When you have children who are now adults, who aren't what society thinks a christian should be, it's even harder.  I'm still a mama bear. Even though one of my cubs has a cub of his own, I still want to protect them.

I am the worst at keeping up with my blog.  It's mostly a place where I share my random thoughts, my grief over my mother, and my never ending battle with weightloss.  But I want to try and start sharing stories with you about my children.  Most of you who read this right now have young children. But one day they won't be young. And maybe you'd like a place to go to read stories and think to yourself, "hmm, someone else went through this too. Maybe we're not so different"  Because in the end, I don't think we are. We're just afraid to share.

It's ok to grieve

In June my mother will have been gone from this earth for three years. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. Some days I roll through life perfectly fine, thinking of how she would have loved this or that, how much she would enjoy the beautiful weather.  And then others, for seemingly no reason at all, I will find myself struggling with even mundane tasks, like running errands.  She'll pop into my mind, my throat will constrict, and tears fill my eyes.  And suddenly I am struggling to keep it together.  

Grief in silhouette by Tim Green

When someone you love dies, no one gives you a manual.  You're usually given three days off of work to grieve them, and then it's back to the daily grind.  When my grandmother died, I thought the grief process ended that suddenly. That after just a little grieving you turned off your emotions and got back to the business of living.  Aside from her funeral and that first week or so, I can't remember ever seeing my mother or her sisters cry.  I thought they were over it, that it was done.  It wasn't until my mama died that I realized how wrong I was.  I was sitting at my Aunt Sue's house talking with her about when Granny (as we called her) died, and she began to cry.  I was shocked at first, and then so relieved.  I told her exactly what I just told you. That I thought they had gotten over it and just moved on. I had thought I must be doing something wrong because I was still upset over a year later.  She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "No".  

Light after Darkness by Jhong Dizon

It was like a switch flipped on in my brain. Grief isn't something you just do for a little while. It's something you will do the rest of your life, in different ways.  And that is OK. It's OK that sometimes I need to break down and cry. It's OK that sometimes I can remember sweet times with mama and be happy. There is no right or wrong way to do this, and best of all, there's no time limit. I don't have to "get over it" and move on.  I just have to live, one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, and living is all mama would want from or for me.  Just to keep going and live my life.

To each her own~

My entire life I learned that marriage was 50/50, a partnership. But I heard something a few years ago that completely changed my views on marriage.  Marriage isn't 50/50, it isn't even 100/100.  It's more like an ever shifting plane. Some days you give 90%, some days you give 10, but the thing about it is this: you both have to give all you have every day. Because when you're both giving all you have, then all you have is enough.

I absolutely love marriage helps. I have an entire board on Pinterest dedicated to them. For years I poured all that I was into being the best mother that I could be. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes I failed, but my marriage would often take a back seat. And now that our kids are grown, I want to give that same dedication to my husband.

It's seems like I'm not the only person interested in making things great with my significant other. In the last few months I've read articles on Why You Should Have Sex Every Night, Why You Shouldn't Have Sex Every Night, Things Every Woman Should Know,  Things Every Man Should Know, and Why Your Spouse Should Always Come First (woops!). You know what I have learned from all of this reading?  Nobody knows anything about your relationship except you and your partner. That's it. Everyone else can have tons of opinions about what will make it better, but the only two people that know how to make it work are you. So ask for advice, read up on what works best for others, but in the end, it's the two of you. And marriage works when you work. So work it.

I still believe

This is the second in a two part series

A few years after the whole poem fiasco my uncle was singing in the little church when he had a massive heart attack and died. After that our attendance there slowly dwindled to nothing.  As my parents church attendance had been spotty, so was ours from that point forward. 

Ryk Neethling/Flikr

While my church attendance wasn't "up to par" my relationship with Jesus was doing well. I was praying and studying my bible daily. And then our kids introduced us to an online game. Over the next few years it consumed our family. All of us played, often together, and nothing was as important as playing the game.  During this time I met an atheist who was firm in his belief that there was no God. He posed some interesting questions, ones that I didn't have answers to. And so I began to wonder myself. Was I just believing this because I had been raised in it? Why did I believe that there was a "mystery man" in the sky who would protect me? 

My struggle began there. I first started investigating why I believed God existed. The best answer I could come up with at the time was "because I just know" Which, as you may realize, didn't get me very far. To me he's in the sunrise and the sunset, in the perfect elliptical orbits of the planets, the distance between the sun and the earth, the earth and the moon, the rise and fall of the tides. But to my atheist friend, all of this could be explained by science. My faith faltered, what if I was wrong? Look how far science had come in just the last 50-75 years. What if in the next 100 years they could explain so much more?  

Hubble Sweeps a Messy Star Factory - NASA

The easiest thing for me to do was to search for Jesus. Because, in my faith, Jesus is my salvation. I couldn't prove that God was real, but could I prove that Jesus existed.  Could I do it outside of the bible? Could I find evidence that Jesus was who he said he was without turning to the one book that atheists scorn so?  I wondered. 

To type out everything that I learned would take about 20 posts. But I would like to share with you a couple of things that I did discover. Jesus is mentioned in many historical documents, almost always in passing. The most notable of these are in the writings of Josephus and Tacitus, both respected historians.  Josephus said of Jesus: 

About this time there lived Jesus, a wise man, if indeed one ought to call him a man. For he was one who wrought surprising feats and was a teacher of such people as accept the trut gladly. He won over many Jews and many of the Greeks. He was the Christ. When Pilate, upon hearing him accused by men of the highest standing among us, had condemned him to be crucified, those who had in the first place come to love him did not give up their affection for him. On the third day he appeared to them restored to life, for the prophets of God had prophesied these and countless other marvelous things about him. And the tribe of Christians, so called after him, has still to this day not disappeared. 

The passages in italics are debatable. That is to say, it is likely those were added by early Christian copyists, and were not written by Josephus.  On the whole, though, this passage is believed to be authentic by many scholars.

Tacitus wrote:

Nero fastened the guilt and inflicted the most exquisite tortures on a class hated for their abominations, called Christians by the populace. Christus, from whom the name had its origin, suffered the extreme penalty during the reign of Tiberius at the hands of one of our procurators, Pontius Pilatus, and a most mischievous superstitution, thus checked for the moment, again broke out not only in Judaea, the first source of the evil, but even in Rome...Accordingly, an arrest was first made of tall who pleaded guilty: then, upon their information, an immense multitude was convicted, not so much of the crime of firing the city, as of hatred against mankind. 

Rather than bore you with a long list of other minor mentions I will sum up what I learned. If we threw out the New Testament (which are biographies and historic letters), and other Christian writings there are still some major points we can glean from historic references about Him.

1. Jesus was a Jewish teacher
2. Some people believed he was the Messaiah
3. He was rejected by the Jewish leaders
4. His enemies acknowledged he performed unusual feats. (healings, exorcism)
5. He was crucified under Pontius Pilate in the reign of Tiberius
6. Despite his death his followers believed that he was still alive.
7. His followers multiplied rapidly and spread as far as Rome. 
8. Many people worshiped him as God

Honestly with my bible background, and what I knew from that, that was enough for me.  He existed, he died in the manner that my bible says he did, and his disciples continued to worship him even when facing death. They truly believed that he was the Messaiah. And if Jesus exists, well then so does God. 

While I tried to find evidence for Jesus outside my bible, I came to one interesting conclusion. Excluding the bible is a little silly, honestly. If these books weren't religious writings they would be honored as historical documents.  

I found this site helpful in my research.

Dear Mama,

I'm going to be a grandma. Things are going so fast since you left us, mama. I wish you could meet Brittany. You would love her. She's sweet, and country, and perfect for Shane. I think this is the first time he's ever truly been in love. And I'm so thankful that God put her in his life.

My family is growing by leaps and bounds mama. It's amazing how fast it happened. Matt has found himself a wonderful girl. We just got to meet her last week. She's from Wisconsin, her name is Melissa. And she's a sweetheart. She would remind you a lot of me. She talks super fast, which I love. Finally someone who can keep up with me.

Amanda has a new love as well, Isaiah. They're planning on getting married. She asked him. I know that doesn't surprise you a bit, she's an assertive little fart. Always has been. Oh, and they've all moved out. But don't worry, I'm not alone. Hunter and Lolo are here most days. So I am plenty active. And when they go home I turn off the TV, put on some music, and chill.  It's so nice mama. I'm working on getting healthy. I want to live to a ripe old age. I hope I can live up to the huge shoes that you left to be filled. You were the best grandma I have ever seen. I hope I can be half as good as you were.

Love you mama, miss you always,

I believe

This will be the first in a two-part series. 

I was having a conversation with my daughter a week or two ago. And I can't remember everything that was said but I recall we were talking about salvation. And she told me that she had never heard my testimony. Which is basically a fancy way of saying why I believe what I believe. So I told it to her, and I wanted to share a short version with you. I also want to clarify exactly what I believe, because I had a friend point out that they had no idea what I believe when it comes to my faith, and that saddens me. I should have done a better job representing my beliefs, I suppose.

I grew up in a Christian home. I can't remember us ever going to church regularly. It just wasn't something that we did. But I also can't remember a time that we didn't study the bible or just know that God existed, and that Jesus died for us. There was a lot of vacation bible school, and I remember a church near where we lived once picked us (the kids) up for Sunday service.

When I was 26 years old I had a series of very disturbing dreams. Most of them about the end of the world. I remember in one I could feel Jesus calling my spirit. And I felt it trying to leave my body but something was holding me back. In another these huge meteors were raining down from the sky, destroying everything. I could see someone standing on a hill looking down. I thought, at the time in the dream, that it was Jesus. And I can't describe what he looked like to you, because I can't remember. I just knew it was him. Kind of like you know your parents or your children. The thing that I took away from these dreams was that I wasn't who I thought I was. To me, at the end of each dream, I always knew that I wasn't a Christian. I hadn't accepted Jesus as my Lord. Having grown up in a household where Jesus was just always present, I had assumed that by simply knowing him, I was a Christian. I knelt by my bed after the second dream and asked God to forgive me. I accepted Jesus into my heart that night.

Meteor by Brandon Stricker

Now a few years later Hubby and I were members of a little non-denominational church. I was basically running the youth group, but he had the title. Because this was a church that believed women should know their place. (And it wasn't as a leader in the church in any way) We had been members there for quite a while and were very active. I sought out anything that I could do to serve the church, telling myself I just wanted to be a witness for God. It wasn't until years later that I realized it wasn't God's approval I was seeking. At the time I was good friends with most of the members, as this was a small church. When I would sing they would tell me what a great job I had done. They would say they appreciated my work with the youth group. Which honestly had a varying number of people, but never over six. I was eating the praise up. The more they bragged on me, the more I wanted. I began to write poetry to read in church. It felt good to have people tell me what a great job I was doing. I loved the attention and craved it.

Easter Sunday one year I wrote a poem about the crucifixion. Hubby asked to read it before we went to church, I told him he could wait and hear it with everyone else. I was so sure of myself. I stood at the front of the church and cried reading it. I would post it here for you to see, but it was long since destroyed. I remember, clear as day though, the part that finally made me realizing I wasn't living to serve God, I was living for the accolades. There was a line in this point that said something about bones broke, my sin he bore. You know what didn't happen to Jesus on the cross? None of his bones were broken.

I knew this. But I had gotten caught up in making this poem as dramatic as possible. I wanted people to be in tears, as I was when I read it. And I wanted, most of all, for them to tell me how much it had affected them. When I finished reading, I looked up and the entire church was silent. I hadn't even realized my mistake at this point. I took my seat smug in the knowledge that they were all speechless in the emotion that I had elicited.

When church was over and I asked hubby, "Did you like my poem?"
"Most of it"
"What didn't you like?"
"There were no bones broken during the crucifixion, honey."
My house of cards came tumbling down. My embarrassment was a palpable thing. Why didn't I think? In my search for a pat on the back, I had made a fool of myself. To the church's credit, none of them judged me. We continued going to that church but I slowly melted into the back ground. All of a sudden attention wasn't nearly as important to me as it had been.

"You're going to lose that though"

Here we are on year three of my roller coaster weight loss plan. And once again I'm trying, but yesterday my "want to" got a huge boost. One of the major things that kills me in my journey is confidence. I have none. In the back of my mind, I'm always waiting to fail, and pretty sure I will.

By Sander van der Wel from Netherlands, via Wikimedia Commons

But yesterday something happened that changed that for me. Hubby and I were in town looking at kayaks. We've often talked about how we'd like to "someday" go kayaking together. So we're walking around looking at some and hubby is trying to find one with a wide bottom because, apparently(?), they're more stable. I made the comment that "It's going to need a really wide bottom to accommodate my wide bottom" To which he replied, "You're going to lose that though."  Just like that, it wasn't a command, or an insult. It was just a statement of faith. He knew I was going to lose it, that's it. No doubt.

Photo by: John Liu/Flicker

I can't tell you how good that made me feel. All of a sudden I wasn't hoping I could do it this time. I knew I could. I know I can. Hubby has never really cared what I weigh. He loves me completely, and always has. He did when I was 140lbs, and he did when I was 311lbs. But knowing that he believes in me, that he knows I am capable of getting healthy, well that gave me a huge incentive to stay the course, to do my very best. So yes, I'm going to lose that, and we're going to buy a couple of kayaks. And my someday is coming.

Chronosynchronicity

Perhaps those few of you who read this blog religiously realized that I recently changed the name of it. Thirty Minutes of Wonderful never really fit the blog, it was mostly an homage to a quote that I loved from a movie that I still love. Recently, while scrolling through a list of obscure words, I came across this one:

Chronosynchronicity: the presentation of all stages of a person's life in a single piece of art. 

I don't know that I would call a blog "art", but then if these exhibits count as art, why not this as well? At any rate that description spoke to me. When I started this blog it was mostly about my weight loss journey. Which is an ongoing struggle and the one thing most posted about here. But it was also about my family, my kids, my husband, and my extended family. When I began it my mother had recently been diagnosed with cancer, and my world was in a whirlwind. So much has happened and much of it has never been posted here because it is private, personal information. But I want this blog to continue to be a record, if you will, of all the stages of my life. And so I share another stage with you today.

Yep, that's an empty nest.

On May 30th, while hubby and I were on a camping trip my boys moved out. We knew it was coming, it wasn't unexpected. The camping trip had been planned months ago, the moving out only came within the last month. Both boys had recently found jobs about an hour drive from here. And they were tired of making the long trek to work and back daily. So they had begun to look for an apartment in the last couple of months and started seriously saving to move out.

They found the apartment just a few weeks before our trip and chose to move out that weekend because it was the easiest time for them. They would receive a month's free rent at their new place if they were in it before June 1. And it just worked for them. So when we left for our camping trip, we knew we would come home to an emptier house.

The Moody Crew back in the day.

As hubby and I lay in our bed our first night home we were each quiet, lost in our own thoughts. "Whatcha thinkin' bout?" I asked
"I guess I'm just a little down about the boys, I didn't think it would bother me this much."
We snuggled closer and held each other. It's strange when your kids move out. I have to continuously remind myself that they aren't dead, they've just moved out. They aren't gone, they're just... gone.

I remember arguing with my boys so much when they were home over silly, stupid little things. I miss arguing with them. Don't get me wrong now, I don't want them to stay home forever. I want my kids to move out and start their own lives. I want them to be their own person, making their own decisions. It's just... different. For as long as I can remember I've been a mom. My job has been caring for my kids, and I've slowly been weaning myself off of that while they were here. But it's not just being a mom that I miss. It's the company, the conversations, I even miss the eye rolling and the complaining.

But along with missing them and wishing they were still here is yet another feeling, an anticipation for the new life that is to come. A curious spirit, a wondering. What's next? What will this next chapter of our lives be like? The only thing that I can do now is hope and pray that I taught my children as well as I could. I made mistakes, show me a parent who hasn't. But the one thing my children know is that I love them. I have loved them with all that I am for all of their lives. And I will always love them and be here for them no matter what. So as we all begin this next exciting and terrifying journey, we'll do it together, and separate, and we'll do it with hearts full of love. 

Tidbits Episode 5

WOW! It has been a LONG time since I did a tidbits episode. I have so much to tell you!

~ My daughter is back home again (sort of).  She'll be moving out again in a month, but for the last couple of months she's been living in our camper out back with her fiance while they save for an apartment. It's a long story, but it's been nice having her around again. I love my little bugszilla <3

~ The dieting thing, oh lord, do we really need to talk about it? The best I have EVER done on a diet is when I started cutting things out a little at a time. I ended up dropping 18 lbs and then started eating all of the crap again (bad, bad, bad) So I've started over (yet again) with that. This week is no soda, and I'm doing great. Dropping one thing at a time is way easier for me than going cold turkey on anything. I'm determined never to give up.

~ My boys recently moved out (huge post on that coming soon). And I'm feeling the empty nest syndrome.

~ I recently made my first trip to a big city. Hubby had to go to Atlanta on a business trip and I tagged along. I have to say I wasn't impressed. It was really pretty, but I'm a rural girl y'all. I come from a small town and I've always lived in the backwoods. I live the closest to town right now I have in my entire life. And I'm about a 10 minute drive from the nearest small town. I've never been closer than an hour away from a big(ish) city, and I have always been curious about them. So when I had the opportunity to ride along I jumped on it. I was not impressed.  As far back as I can remember I've known that when you meet someone on the street you smile, make eye contact, nod, and issue a polite greeting. "Morning." or "Hi, how are you?" Which, if eye contact is made, will usually elicit a smile, nod, and a reply. If the other person doesn't make eye contact you just nod, smile, and move on. And they do the same. I walked every where I went in Atlanta for three days, and I greeted every person I met. With the exception of one person everyone simply looked away when I made eye contact and smiled. The one lady made my day. She was probably 70-80 years old and when she smiled back I said, "Morning!" "Morning! It's a beautiful day isn't it." "Yes ma'am it is!" I was so happy that someone was finally being polite, you have no idea. It wasn't just that they were not making eye contact or nodding or whatever, it was the general air of rudeness that surrounded everyone. At any rate I've decided big cities are not for me. I'll stay right here in my little corner of the world where there really are smiling faces and beautiful places :) However it was nice to finally be "traveling" even if it wasn't too far away.

~ For the past 8 years I've been babysitting my nephews. I don't mind doing it, it helps my sister and they are a hoot. (really funny for you non-southerners) But I have finally decided that I'm ready to be free. My kids are moving out, I want the freedom to do what I want when I want to do it. Started in August I'll only be watching them a few days a week after school. This works well for me because I would miss them terribly if I didn't keep them at all.

March Madness

So around the 10th of March I decided I needed to start keeping a journal. I use MyFitness Pal to keep a food log, I have MapMyFitness to keep track of my walks (which I haven't done any of lately), and I now own a FitBit. With all of these wonderful high tech gadgets, I feel like the thing that may help me most right now is just a simple log of my day. Most of the time it is one or two sentences, sometimes it is more. I normally write a quick bit in the morning when I get up, and then a follow-up the next morning about how that day ended. I have simple goals for this month. And since I mention them in my writing I will share them here:

Goals:

 - 3500 steps per day
- 16 oz of water per day
- no candy
- don't go over your calorie limit

3-10-15 

8:00 AM - 300 lbs. I'm not sure if that is right. If it is, it shouldn't be. I ate way too many calories this last week. My goal is 1978 calories today, let's see if I can manage that. 

BMD, AMD

Time has marched on, and the day I have dreaded for a few years is quickly approaching. My sons will be moving out soon. 

Harry

I am both happy and saddened by this. My one desire for my children is that they would grow up to be strong, independent, productive members of society. I want them to have their own space, to know joy and embrace life. But I want them to do all of that while still under my wings, darn it!  Ignore that, that's the controlling part of me screaming, and the mothering part of me crying out.  Soon my nest will truly be empty. And this is one of those times that I find my heart crying out for mama. 

Kevin Jarrett

Sometimes it seems as if my life is measured in two sections. BMD: Before Mama Died, and AMD: After Mama Died.  Before mama died I have memories, lovely memories. And I have regrets. So many things I wish I had done that I didn't do. Why didn't we go try on wedding dresses? The only thing she asked to do, but we never found the time to do it. Why didn't I go visit her more? Force her to move in with me? Move in with her?  The why's and what if's would drive me crazy if I let them. So I shush them and just try to remember the good times. Her singing and dancing in the kitchen with me. The look on her face when we gave her the train she'd always wanted for Christmas. 

AMD is full of times I need her reassurances that this too shall pass. Like now. What was it like for her when we were all out of the house? How did she handle this aching? It's crazy, the things that I never thought to ask her before, but now, now that I am going through these things, I want to ask her. How do I handle this mama? What did you do?  

Three hundred and eleven

Three-one-one, tres-uno-uno.  How is that possible?

Last August I finally bit the bullet and set up all of my yearly physicals. Things I haven't done since I was a child because I abhor waiting in a doctor's office for five minutes of care which costs me well over $100.  I just feel it's stupid. Our insurance company didn't agree with me. They made it mandatory.  Fine.

Ok, I'll go, but I won't like it. 

Anyone who has read any of this blog knows that I have been trying to lose weight for two years. And in that time my weight has yoyo-ed as dealt with mama's cancer and then death. So when I made these appointments I was expecting bad news. At my heaviest before all of that I weighed 296lbs.  And that was bad. So I was thinking maybe 300, possibly even 305. I mean it was going to be bad, but I had lost down to 276 at one point, so really how bad could it be?

Well let me tell you, it was bad. When I stepped on those scales my weight was 311lbs.  That was apparently the shock I needed because for 3 months I kicked my tail into gear and lost a total of 18lbs, bringing my weight down to 293.  Then came Thanksgiving and Christmas, both really hard times for me in terms of emotional eating. It's when I miss mama the most, when I think of her most. December is her birthday and Christmas and every time I turn around I am wishing she was here. So I pretty much gave up again. And I did it willingly. I did it knowing what I was doing.  January rolled around and I had my first visit with my new gynecologist.  I stepped on the scale and shocked myself again 307 lbs. All of that work that I had just done was gone. I was almost back to my starting weight in August.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

And you know what the worst part was? I couldn't blame anyone. I knew what I was doing when I did it.  My doctor had told me when I went to see her in August that if I needed some help, she could probably prescribe something. I wanted to try and do it on my own first, no help. Because I knew I could. Also because what good is a pill that makes you not hungry when hunger doesn't figure into my extra eating? I don't have to be hungry. I don't have to be anything. I love food. And it gives me comfort. When I am happy, sad, excited, bored, whatever. And sugar is the worst for me. Sugar is my drug of choice. 

So once again I find myself rebooting my diet, no pills still. Exercising my body and my demons. I firmly believe that I can do this. And if you've read this all before and are rolling your eyes, keep rolling them. The only time you ever fail at anything is when you stop trying. And I'm not giving up!


Picture credits: First/Second

Moving on?

Mama has been gone 1 year, 3 months. That's 10,969 hours; 658,170 minutes; 39,490,200 seconds.  And still I miss her so bad at times that I will spend an entire week trying my best not to cry.  I wonder sometimes if I went to the doctor and told them how I feel if they wouldn't diagnose me as depressed and try to give me a pill to fix it.

Losing mama was the most traumatic thing I have been through thus far in my life. She wasn't just a parent to me, she was my friend. She was the first person I would call when ever I had a problem. And the first one I would call when I had some new and exciting news to share. She encouraged me, listened to me, and prayed with me, and I miss her terribly.

I confess that in the past I've been just as guilty of thinking someone who is grieving should "get over it" already. Your job will usually give you three days. You plan the memorial service, cry, and greet people you haven't seen in years, if ever. And then you're supposed to suck it up and move on. But loosing someone isn't that easy.

The night before my son had surgery on his ankle I wanted so desperately to call her. For her to tell me everything would be fine. I've heard people speak about forgetting that someone is dead so they'll start to call and realize they aren't there. I can't forget. I never forget. Every day it's a refrain that plays in my mind. "She's gone, she's gone, she's gone"  I never accidentally pick up the phone to call her. I know I can't. But I so desperately want to.  So very very badly.

The one thing her loss has taught me is that it isn't fair of me to put a timeline on grief, whether mine or someone else's.  Every single person, every relationship, is different. Whether you grieved a few days and moved on or are still grieving multiple years later, that is your journey. And it's one that we all must take on our own time and in our own way. And I don't want to feel guilty about missing my mama any more. I don't want to feel like it is wrong of me to ache at her loss.  I'll mourn for her as long as I need to, until I can move on.

Parenting Lessons I Wish I Had Learned Sooner

My children are grown. There will be no more muddy hand prints on the front door. The time when they would rush up to me and hug me tight, just because, has left. They still hug me, but now it's when they're leaving.  And sometimes, when I think back over our years together, there are some lessons I wish I had learned sooner.

"They grow up so fast."  Every person who has ever had a child has said this.  You never get it till they're almost grown. Then you desperately try to grab those moments. By the time I realized it my children were teenagers, and felt like I was smothering them; I was.  The dishes can pile up, the house may be a wreck, there will be grass to mow and bills to pay, budgets to balance and money to stress over. You will never get these days back.  Let it all go, and go play with your children.

We cuss, smoke, drink, gossip, and call people names.  And we wonder where our children get it from. You can tell them all day long. They are watching you.  Who you are will become a big part of who they will be. Your actions speak louder than your words. Use their scrutiny to become a better person, and you will, in turn, teach your child to be one.

When I grew up you did what your parents said, unquestionably.  And so when my children were younger I had this same stance. You do what I say, when I say it, because I said to do it. If I told my child to sit on the couch, I wanted them to sit in the exact spot I told them to sit in. And sit, don't lie down.  So many ridiculous battles I fought. What difference did it make which spot they were in or if they were sitting or lying down? The simple fact that they did go to the couch was obedience. Living with me at times was like living with the Borg, resistance was futile.  And when it came to questioning me about anything, that was unacceptable.

I wish I had answered the questions, why? what? how? I wish I had taken the time to teach them to ask questions, to seek answers; to learn. I had tried harder to encourage their free spirit and strong wills, rather than stamp them into my cookie cutter molds.

When DIY goes wrong...

and then right again! So earlier this year I shared a post in which I was going to try and accomplish 10 different crafts this year. The first of these was a laundry soap that I was pretty excited to try.  I actually first made this back in January but I wanted to try making it two different ways before posting so I would know what I am talking about lol  So without further adieu~

I'll start with the creamy mayonnaisy (totally a word) version of this soap.  First the directions, condensed version.

Ingredients:

1 bar Fels Naptha
1 cup 20 Mule Team Borax
1 cup Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda
2 Quart size Ball Jars (or 2 quart size somethings to put this stuff into)







Grate, chop, or otherwise disintegrate the Fels Naptha bar.  You may be able to tell but I just chopped mine up into tiny pieces. Put 1/2 of the bar into each jar and fill halfway with boiling water.

Put these out of the way and forget about them for 24 hours.  Or a week.. you know, whatever works for you.  When you finally realize you have soap congealing on the back of your sink take a butter knife and slice that stuff into chunks. Add 1/2 cup borax and 1/2 cup washing soda to each jar. Then fill to the brim with water.

The Brim ;)  

The instructions said to take the blade off of your blender and attach it to your jars. Well my blender is old, and that didn't work. So I decided I would just add the stuff to the blender.. and this is where it got tricky. See I decided to be Miss Impatient and try to do it all at once. So I had two jars almost full of this stuff and I tried dump both into the blender and managed to get about 1 and 2/3 into the blender. But then I tried to blend.  haha.. no.  My blender was not having that. It looked like a volcano on the verge of erupting with stuff bubbling out everywhere. So I had to try and get at least half of my ingredients back out of the mixer.

See that? Don't do that!

After I finally sorted this mess out, mixed everything up, and poured it into jars I wound up with a little over two jars worth.  I'm pretty sure I did something wrong.. but hey, it still worked!

The directions recommended using one tablespoon per load of laundry, which I faithfully did. And this lasted me about two months before I had to make more. And when that came around I had found these instructions on how to make this a powdered laundry soap.  Basically do almost everything the same as you did it before, minus water.  

1) Grate the Fels Naptha bar, then switch out the attachment.

 2) Put the shredded bar back into the processor, add Borax and Washing Soda. Pulse till the bar is coarsely ground and all ingredients are thoroughly mixed.

Then I poured it into a jar and voila~  Laundry Soap.   

Now just because you guys are so great and read this far, I've also been using my own homemade fabric softener. I found the recipe on The Hippy Homemaker's blog. I love that site.  And my wonderful husband has had a box of rock salts sitting around forever.  Part of a long abandoned project. I can't tell you what it was, neither of us remember. So I spent $7 on essential oils (I found them on sale at Hobby Lobby) and now my laundry is the softest it has ever been. I kid you not. I love this stuff. Plus it smells divine, and it's even easier to make than the laundry soap.

Add one cup of Rock salts to whatever you'll be keeping them in. Add 20 drops each of your essential oils, I used Lemongrass and Lavender.  Shake well. Add 1 teaspoon to each load of laundry. That's it.  Easy peasy!

She adds it to her laundry soap, which would probably work great. I kept it separate because I wasn't sure how well it would work, I have been pleasantly surprised!

Now for your questions:

Does the laundry soap work?
Yes, it actually does, and very well. We're a messy family. Heck I need a bib to eat about half the time or I wear my food. And my boys are rough and tumble guys who work outside. One works with a utility crew so he digs a lot of ditches (think lots of mud on his clothes). And the other works with a grounds maintenance crew so his clothes have a lot of grass/dirt/anything flying around outside on them.  I haven't been disappointed even once while using this. If you like perfumy laundry soaps then this may not be for you. Or maybe there is a way to add fragrance. I dunno. I was already using unscented laundry detergent. And this is kinda like that. It comes out of the washer smelling... clean.  Does that make sense?

Is it worth it?

Totally. I was using All Mighty Pacs before trying this out and I had managed to make a bag of 48 last a month and a half. (Which was good).  But at $9.99 I was paying around $0.21 per load. With this soap I average about $0.07 per load.  And my clothes are clean and smell good.  Why wouldn't I keep using this?

Powdered or Mayonnaise blend?

Honestly for me. I am going powdered. There isn't a difference between the two as far as cleaning ability or smell.  For me it's all about ease of use. The powdered version is easier to make. I did it in about 15 minutes. And it's easier to use. At first the mayo blend isn't that bad. But when you get further down into the jar you either need a long spoon or you're gonna be a mess trying to get that out.  So the powdered works better for me as far as that goes.  

What about the fabric softener?

I love it. It gives our clothes a faint lavender/lemon scent and it really does soften them! I was pleasantly surprised by that fact.  

These two have now become staples at my house. I haven't bought washing powders/liquid or fabric softener in six months. And I don't plan on going back!

From The Lake

Once upon a time there was a wonderful composer named Bobby Richeson. And Mr. Richeson had a dream. He dreamed of writing a rock instrumental that would appeal to the music lover in all of us.  He wanted to write something that would not only be his legacy. But touch people in the way that only music can. And from that dream From The Lake was born.

Bobby has been working on this project for years and I have been on the sidelines cheer leading to keep him going. He's a humble man and has no faith in his talent (though why not is beyond me).   And now that he has begun recording he needs our help. Don't get me wrong folks, he's fiercely independent and will finish this recording with or without us. But with our help it will be done sooner. And who doesn't love making someone's dream come true?

You don't have to be rich. You don't have to give even $10.  Only have $2 to give?  Give $2, $5, whatever you have will help.  If you can drop $4 on a Starbucks coffee, won't you give to help fill the world with beautiful music? And while you're at it, like the Facebook page. You'll be kept up to date on all the latest developments.  I gave, will you do the same?

PS. Just in case you missed it click here and listen, he did each of those in about a week.

10 things I hope to accomplish this year

I am not much of a New Year's Resolution gal. Mostly because I never end up keeping them anyways, so why bother making them?  A couple of weeks ago I was clicking from link to link skipping through the web one craft page at a time when I hit a really interesting post. I have tried in vain to find it again because I really wanted to share it here.  This crafty woman had made a list of 12 things she wanted to accomplish throughout the year. I happened to catch the year end version of this where she was detailing said crafts and the various blog posts about them.  One craft a month is a bit too ambitious for me. Heck the list I made for myself is a bit too ambitious for me.  But I thought, why not?  So throwing caution to the wind here are the ten things I hope to make/do this year:

Photo by Liss Burnell Budget101.com

I found this recipe when someone posted it on facebook. The thing that sold me on trying it was another mother whose son apparently works in fast food. And nothing had removed that fast food grease smell from his work clothes, except this! (or so she claimed) Well with three fast food workers in my house at the moment I could surely use something that will get that smell out. I'll actually be doing this really soon, I've already bought all of my supplies and I'm just trying to get motivated to make it.  Soon....

Photo by Marlena Rookiemag.com

Isn't that just awesome?  And it's knitted on your fingers!  I mean daaang. I plan to go through my yarn and try this one out ASAP. It just looks too cool not to do.

Photo by Emily @ Yesterdayssweetheart.com

I have a butterfly punch that I've been looking for a project for. So this was added to my to do list. 

Photo by Darlene Schacht @ Timewarpwife.com

I'm a big girl. I know y'all didn't know that because I keep it such a secret. And when I cook or clean, I make a mess. Usually a big one.  But it is really, really hard to find an apron that I like or that fits me. I love this pattern, it seems fairly simple and I think I can measure my fabric to fit me the way I want. So I'm going to give this a shot. 

Photo by Little Birdies @ makeandtakes.com

I have gotten out of the habit of making a meal plan, but that is wreaking havoc on my diet and my life. Things are so much easier when I can just glance at a sheet and know what I need to do for that day.  And I love this idea. I plan to add magnets to the back of it so I can put it on my refrigerator. We'll see how that works out.

Photo by Ashley @ makeit-loveit.com

Come on, admit it. That just looks cool as heck and you want to try it to! 

Ok confession time. I live in a mud pit. I do not say that lightly.  The path that leads from where we park (which is solid red mud when it rains) to the porch has no walkway. There used to be grass there but after years of people walking the same path the grass has died and now it's just mud.  I also want to get some gravel for our driveway/parking area.  But I can do this project fairly cheaply and at least we won't be walking in mud the whole way, right? OK shut up, I know we need to get some gravel.  

Photo by Tamara Kelly @ mooblyblog.com

Crochet Bubble Blanket isn't exactly the technical term for this blanket. But look at it. Shouldn't it be called that? I mean seriously, that's just what it is.  The pattern here is for a baby blanket, but I'm thinking if I double the amount of initial chain then maybe I can get a nice throw out of it. It's worth a shot.  That is if I can ever get myself motivated to start it. Then to keep at it. I swore I was never doing a blanket again. We'll see if I actually do this one.

Photo by don_mae @ thisyearsdozen.wordpress.com

My mama used to make these all the time. We had so many of them and I couldn't tell you where a single one is now. My dad now has all of mama's houseplants and so I thought I'd try my hand at making one for him. If it goes well I may do more than one. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. We all know that I'm all talk and very little action.

                                 

Ok no pics on this one because the current state of the bathroom is deplorable. Besides you'll see it when we do the reno.  The kids bathroom is tiny. And I don't mean like "Oh my bathroom is so little, I just have no idea what to do with it" When it has a double sink, linen closet, and a separate bathtub and shower. I mean 8x10, barely enough room to move, TINY!  And though the room won't actually get any bigger it, like most of this house, is in a state of disrepair.  And I'm tired of it. I'm really tired of living in a house that looks like it should be condemned. So I chose the thing that I felt I could go after cheapest and easiest to do first. The kids bathroom.  I'll detail what we'll be doing when and if I do a post about this. Which I do plan to do. But ya know, I plan a lot of things.  Happy new year!