Let me be candid

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotion. We received some not so great news about my mom. She's been really light headed lately, confused, and forgetful. To the point that she can't remember things she's known for years and she uses the wrong word a lot. We mentioned it to her doctor and he wanted to do an MRI to make sure that there were no tumors in her brain. He asked if she'd ever had one, I told him yes, at the beginning.

So they did a repeat scan and found tumors in her skull; not her brain, but the skull. This means that her cancer is a definite stage 4 now.  They scheduled her for a bone scan to see how far spread these tumors in her bones are. We found this out right after we learned that the pneumonia she had been fighting for over a month was still here. We went to the doctor Friday to find out the results of the bone scan and how this affects her diagnosis.  The scan showed that the tumors in her bone are basically in her entire skeleton. In various places from her skull to her legs she has tumors.  Her doctor said that he is ever an optimist   So he has changed her medicine out and she will undergo a few more rounds of chemotherapy using two new drugs.  He's hoping with the new medicines that we can get her disease to a stable point again.  To be honest my hope is waning. When my mother started chemo I hoped she would be cured. Now I'm just enjoying every moment I have with her, and hoping for the best. Whatever that is.




On the home front she has been having a lot of difficulty getting in and out of bed, which is where she spends most of her time at the moment.  Lifting herself up causes a lot of pain probably because of the tumors in her bones. So we've had her set up with a hospital bed and nurse. She also set herself up with a physical therapist. She's thinking maybe they can help work some of the soreness out since she spends so much time in bed. I'm all for that. I'm glad because it will allow her to maintain her independence for a bit longer, which is really important to mama.

At the time of this writing she's actually back in the hospital for the pneumonia that she is still battling.  After we went to the doctor Friday we ran a few errands and then went back to her house. She was fine then, just a little tired and so I went on home to let her get a nap.  Then Saturday about lunch time my brother and his family went by to check on her, again she was fine. At about 6pm Saturday evening my sister called to check on her. Mama was having an extremely hard time breathing and couldn't even speak because of it. So my brother went and picked her up and rushed her to the ER where we all met her.  She is feeling much better today but they have decided to keep her until they get the pneumonia healed. She's been fighting it for about a month with medicine at home so that obviously isn't working.  I know my mom and know she is NOT going to like this being stuck in a hospital. But I think this is the best for her too.

Now I have told you before that I am an emotional eater.  Eating junk food gives me comfort. I don't know why, I haven't figured that out yet. I just know it does. So this past week, the second part of the mini-challenge I am doing, was a complete and total flop. Not only did I not eat my two fruits and vegetables with every meal, I ate cookies and snickers.  Many cookies and snickers.  And the thing that gets me is I knew what I was doing the whole time. It wasn't as if I was blindly eating and suddenly had a realization, "Oh my, I have eaten an entire Snickers.  How clumsy of me"    Naw, I went into it knowingly and willingly.  I was standing at the candy counter one day thinking to myself, "Do I really need a Coke and a Snickers?  You know how many calories that is, and how hard they are to burn"  It only took me about 15 seconds to decide yes, yes I did need a Coke and a Snickers.

And I am really not sure how to combat this. How to beat these tendencies. If I beat myself up about it, then I feel worse. And I say to myself, "Well, you've flopped anyways, no sense in trying now. You're just a failure. Go get a Snickers."  If I tell myself, "Ok you screwed up, let's move past this, just don't do it again." Then I feel.. less guilty?  when I do buy the junk food. Because then I tell myself, "Well you just screwed up is all, you can fix this, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!  YOU GOT THIS!  Besides, you need it. It makes you feel better"   And I'm struggling to find something that makes me feel as good as food does.  So that when I am NOT hungry and DON'T really want it, I won't go to it. I'll just find something else to do.  So I guess I'm just letting you know that I have failed this week. I don't know how to stop myself, and I am open to suggestions.

photo credit: C. E. Sandoval via photopin cc

Oh, and I'm rebooting part two of the challenge next week.  So hopefully I can get myself back on track.

One down, 13 to go

So week one of the challenges is behind us and overall it wasn't too bad. We were eating about three to four servings of fruits and vegetables daily. Upping that to six was a bit of a challenge, but I did enjoy it.  I never really felt hungry and I found myself with more energy.  I still caught myself eating entirely too much processed junk.  My son brought home a box of chunky chocolate chip cookies and I ate four of them before the box was gone.  Even though I read the ingredients, I knew what was in them was bad, and I really wasn't hungry for them. I just wanted them. This is the hardest part for me. The desire to eat junk. It isn't that it's that great. It just makes me feel good.  And I'm not even sure why.  I am really trying to work on that.  At least it was only four this time!  I have eat half a box of those by myself in the past, so at least that is some small improvement.


I figured when this week started that it would be really easy to up my intake of veggies and fruits since I do love them. I was wrong.  The hardest part is making good decisions really. I had tons of fruit and vegetables on hand for the week but when the cookies were brought into the house by my kids and I had a choice between a piece of fruit and a cookie, I caved.  On the upshot I did realize that eating five to six servings of fruits and vegetables really does make you feel fuller. Now I just need to figure out some way to resist the temptation of cookies. And chips. Ok junk food in general.  At any rate I have decided to continue this challenge indefinitely. It just makes sense to, ya know?

A few of the meals we had this week included:
~ Baked French Toast Casserole with fruit (strawberries and bananas for us)
~ Herbed Baked Chicken with green beans, carrot fries, and mashed potatoes
~ Toad-In-A-Hole, cantaloupe, and an apple
~ Sweet-N-Spicy Crockpot Chicken, brown rice, broccoli, and an apple.
~ Blueberry pancakes, sausage patties, and cantaloupe.

This weeks challenge is going to be just that for me, a challenge.

Beverages are limited to coffee, tea, water, and milk. One cup of red wine per day and one cup of juice for the week. 

Ok first off a confession: I am freaking addicted to sodas.  I mean BAD.  I have given them up in the past, but I did that by drinking tea instead of soda. Which is awesome, right?  Except that my tea is sweetened with sugar. And this challenge says that I can have water ,milk, one cup of juice, coffee, and tea.  But ONLY sweetened with a little honey or maple syrup.  Warm honey lemon tea is awesome in the winter when my throat is scratchy. But I just can't see honey being nice in a glass of ice tea.   So honestly I'm gonna do this for one week. Maybe less, we'll know next week lol.  But I do want to take this chance to give up sodas again. In a week without them I should be closer to giving up the habit.  So this weeks goals are basically to try and avoid the junk foods. My kids are gonna bring them in. I can't always use them being here as an excuse to eat them.  Junk food is everywhere and at some point I just have to start developing better habits.  And to avoid sodas and try really hard to avoid tea unless it is sweetened with honey. The good thing about this is my body should be really happy with my water consumption this week!

They say confession heals the soul....

When I was little I was a worry wart.  Heck who am I kidding? I am still a worry wart. I worry about EVERYTHING.  My family often says that they don't worry about anything because they know I'll worry enough about it for everyone.  And I do. I don't remember my parents arguing when I was little. But I know they must have because I remember asking my mama over and over if her and my daddy would ever get divorced.  Her answer was always the same, "Never!"

Never isn't a very long time because when I was 14 my parents separated and when I was 17 they divorced.   I mentioned this to my mom years ago and asked her if she remembered me always asking about her and daddy being divorced. She said that she did and she should never have told me that they wouldn't get divorced.  She said you can never tell what will happen in the future and that was the lesson she learned from that.




Somewhere around the same time I was trying to get my mom to stop smoking.  Arguably I was trying in the wrong way. Instead of encouragement I was basically bribing her, shaming her, and basically bullying her in hopes that she would quit.  My grandfather smoked all of his life and he developed lung cancer because of it. Towards the end of his life he was unable to care for himself and his family was called in. I remember my mom and her sisters sitting with him, caring for him. They had to do everything for him.  And then several years after that my mothers father-in-law (her second husband's step-father) developed lung cancer. He went through basically the same thing. Only this time it was only my mother caring for him.  So during this time that I was trying to get her to quit smoking I said to her, "What if you get lung cancer, mama? Who's gonna take care of you? Me!  That's who!  Do you want me to have to do that for you like you did for papa and Earl?" And her reply was, "No, I won't get to that point. I would rather die than be a burden to y'all"

Now if you've been reading through my blog then you know my mom has lung cancer. If you don't then there you are. Her lung cancer is the kind that non-smokers get, so the doctor says that whether or not she smoked is irrelevant. But she hasn't been doing well lately. She's had pneumonia a couple of times and basically she has felt horrible.  My brother calls and checks on her daily, my sister texts her all throughout the week, and I call a couple times a week.  And she hadn't told any of us that she was doing so poorly. We found out when she had to call one of her sisters for help.  I was frustrated with her and called her to find out why she wasn't calling. She said that she didn't want to be a burden on us. She reminded me of what she'd said about that all of those years ago.  I felt floored. I told her we'd rather care for her for years than lose her now. That she wasn't a burden and we loved her.

I think the reason she feels this way is my fault. If I hadn't badgered her so much and carried on about how I would have to take care of her then she wouldn't feel like a burden. I really didn't mean that I wouldn't want to take care of her. I was just trying to shame her into quitting smoking. And I'm ashamed of myself now. And more than that I am ashamed that my mother now considers herself a burden. She's not. She never has been and never will be. And I hope that somehow I can get that through her thick head.

I love you mama.  And I'm sorry.

“The key to life is accepting challenges.

Once someone stops doing this, he's dead.” - Bette Davis

I've been reading a lot about eating real food. I posted a few links to it in my last post and I've been trying to make baby steps toward that end.  I find the biggest problem I have in my weight loss goals is myself. I'm lazy and I hate change. So whenever it comes time to do something different, I balk.  Either that or I get all gung-ho:

 and give up about 5 minutes later.  Lately that's the way I've been acting about weight loss. I'm cool for the first little bit of a diet. But then I get frustrated.  And honestly I'm just sick of counting calories.  One of my dear friends made a comment about it that really stuck in my mind.  "If you're counting calories, how does that help you in the long run?"  And she's right.  Sure I'm eating too many calories, but my problem is the type of foods that I eat.  I really need to change that, and if I change that, then I think I'll be healthier and better for it.  But it isn't just about me. I have a family of 5 that I feed and I really want to change their eating habits as well.  My husband has numerous bowel issues and we're just starting to realize that the foods that we eat have probably contributed to that or caused it altogether. So I want to do something that will not only help me lose weight and get healhty, but help him as well. And I want to do something that my kids (who are almost adults themselves) won't turn their nose up to.




To that end I've decided to accept one of the challenges laid out in the blog 100 Days of Real Food. I've been reading various real food blogs for several weeks now and I love all of them.  But I find this one to be the most interesting because she has small children, and because she seems normal. She isn't some health guru who is telling me what a horrible person I am for eating crap all of these years and teaching my kids to eat it. She's just a mom who wanted to do better for her children. I can so relate to that! She has several different challenges on her site, the 100-day pledge, the 10-day pledge, and 100 mini-pledges. I'm not much of a cold-turkey person so the 100- and 10-day pledges would be harder for me. I could probably do 10 days, but you never know.  So to that end, I've decided to take on the mini-pledges I figure if I make small changes, one week at a time, then maybe I can sort of "sneak" in this change and my family won't even realize.

Since I love vegetables I'm hoping this one will be pretty easy.  I plan to head out to our local farmers market this weekend and see what kind of deals I can pick up.  I'll make out a meal plan today to kind of guide me through the process as well.   I'm hoping that at the end of these 100 challenges our lifestyle will have completely changed. I would like to lose the weight. And I would love it if my husband could have a normal life. Or at least as normal as life is with kids.

Tidbits: Episode 2

Ok so I'm late, it's been a rough couple of weeks and I hope you'll understand. I say you meaning all 1 of you who actually check this thing to see if I have posted lol Too much clutter in my brain for an actual post, so without further ado, time for another episode of TIDBITS!




~ The stomach bug bit our family. The last two weeks have been vomit and poop filled in our house and we're just about sick of it.... literally.  TMI? My radar is off, forgive me

~ I've revamped my "diet" goals once again. Actually counting calories is driving me nuts. And I really want to just eat real food.  I think it would be better for my family and for me. And as an added benefit I should lose weight. Because if I cut out all of the processed foods and sugar, well that has to have some effect, right? So that's where were at now.

~ To ^ that end I have begun cooking real meals again. I had actually started this before, then I got super lazy and quit. But when I was cooking I enjoyed my food more and I ate a lot less. So I broke down and made a meal plan for this week, and then I did my grocery shopping according to it. I also did my best to avoid the dirty dozen when I purchased my groceries and WOW! organic food is EXPENSIVE!  Why must it cost more to eat better? ;_;  I found an Earth Fare in Greenville which is about an hours drive away from me and a farmers market in Easley which is even closer. I think between the two I should be able to do my shopping without breaking the bank and help us eat better as well. We'll see.

~ Also on the diet front I haven't been to the gym in.. a month? At least.  It isn't as if I am sitting on my hands all day. I just haven't really had the time or the inclination. Though I am not working out daily, which I do need to be doing. In about 8 weeks my family heads to the beach. I really want to drop some weight before them.

~ Summer is quickly approaching and I am SUPER excited.  I absolutely love the outdoors.  And once it warms up I'd rather be outside than in. We'll be going to the beach which I am super excited about. Add to that the numerous camping, boating, picnics, and other outdoor adventures we'll be doing this summer and I am totally psyched. Plus this will probably be our last summer together as a family.

~  I'm planting my garden within the next week or so which will help me a lot. Those things need tending ;)  So that'll be added exercise for me. And I love the fresh produce.  Plus it saves on the grocery bill so YAY!

~ We're getting ready for prom. When I say we I mean my daughter of course but anyone who knows me knows I live vicariously through my children.  And so I'm loving all of the prep for it. We've gone shopping for her dress and have set up her hair appointment.  A friend is going to do her makeup, or she will, that changes by the minute. And things are rolling. And as excited as I am, I'm also apprehensive. My baby is going to graduate in 8 weeks. My baby. Do you understand that? And she's probably the one I am closest to of my children. My boys I love dearly as well, but they're boys. I can't talk to them about menstrual cycles and breast soreness.  I can't believe they'll be gone soon. So not ready for that.