Let me be candid

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotion. We received some not so great news about my mom. She's been really light headed lately, confused, and forgetful. To the point that she can't remember things she's known for years and she uses the wrong word a lot. We mentioned it to her doctor and he wanted to do an MRI to make sure that there were no tumors in her brain. He asked if she'd ever had one, I told him yes, at the beginning.

So they did a repeat scan and found tumors in her skull; not her brain, but the skull. This means that her cancer is a definite stage 4 now.  They scheduled her for a bone scan to see how far spread these tumors in her bones are. We found this out right after we learned that the pneumonia she had been fighting for over a month was still here. We went to the doctor Friday to find out the results of the bone scan and how this affects her diagnosis.  The scan showed that the tumors in her bone are basically in her entire skeleton. In various places from her skull to her legs she has tumors.  Her doctor said that he is ever an optimist   So he has changed her medicine out and she will undergo a few more rounds of chemotherapy using two new drugs.  He's hoping with the new medicines that we can get her disease to a stable point again.  To be honest my hope is waning. When my mother started chemo I hoped she would be cured. Now I'm just enjoying every moment I have with her, and hoping for the best. Whatever that is.




On the home front she has been having a lot of difficulty getting in and out of bed, which is where she spends most of her time at the moment.  Lifting herself up causes a lot of pain probably because of the tumors in her bones. So we've had her set up with a hospital bed and nurse. She also set herself up with a physical therapist. She's thinking maybe they can help work some of the soreness out since she spends so much time in bed. I'm all for that. I'm glad because it will allow her to maintain her independence for a bit longer, which is really important to mama.

At the time of this writing she's actually back in the hospital for the pneumonia that she is still battling.  After we went to the doctor Friday we ran a few errands and then went back to her house. She was fine then, just a little tired and so I went on home to let her get a nap.  Then Saturday about lunch time my brother and his family went by to check on her, again she was fine. At about 6pm Saturday evening my sister called to check on her. Mama was having an extremely hard time breathing and couldn't even speak because of it. So my brother went and picked her up and rushed her to the ER where we all met her.  She is feeling much better today but they have decided to keep her until they get the pneumonia healed. She's been fighting it for about a month with medicine at home so that obviously isn't working.  I know my mom and know she is NOT going to like this being stuck in a hospital. But I think this is the best for her too.

Now I have told you before that I am an emotional eater.  Eating junk food gives me comfort. I don't know why, I haven't figured that out yet. I just know it does. So this past week, the second part of the mini-challenge I am doing, was a complete and total flop. Not only did I not eat my two fruits and vegetables with every meal, I ate cookies and snickers.  Many cookies and snickers.  And the thing that gets me is I knew what I was doing the whole time. It wasn't as if I was blindly eating and suddenly had a realization, "Oh my, I have eaten an entire Snickers.  How clumsy of me"    Naw, I went into it knowingly and willingly.  I was standing at the candy counter one day thinking to myself, "Do I really need a Coke and a Snickers?  You know how many calories that is, and how hard they are to burn"  It only took me about 15 seconds to decide yes, yes I did need a Coke and a Snickers.

And I am really not sure how to combat this. How to beat these tendencies. If I beat myself up about it, then I feel worse. And I say to myself, "Well, you've flopped anyways, no sense in trying now. You're just a failure. Go get a Snickers."  If I tell myself, "Ok you screwed up, let's move past this, just don't do it again." Then I feel.. less guilty?  when I do buy the junk food. Because then I tell myself, "Well you just screwed up is all, you can fix this, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!  YOU GOT THIS!  Besides, you need it. It makes you feel better"   And I'm struggling to find something that makes me feel as good as food does.  So that when I am NOT hungry and DON'T really want it, I won't go to it. I'll just find something else to do.  So I guess I'm just letting you know that I have failed this week. I don't know how to stop myself, and I am open to suggestions.

photo credit: C. E. Sandoval via photopin cc

Oh, and I'm rebooting part two of the challenge next week.  So hopefully I can get myself back on track.