Mama said there'd be days like this...

Life has been so hectic lately and I can not for the life of me figure out why.  I'm feeling very stressed, anxious, and uncomfortable when I thought that at this point I would be feeling better. About a month ago I took my daughter to get her license. Now before I took her my days looked a little like this:

Mon/Tues/Thurs	Wed/Fri/Sat/Sun
Babysitting/dance	Babysitting/work

So I babysit my nephews Monday - Friday and sometimes on Saturdays. I took Bugs (my daughter) to dance 3 days a week and to work the rest of the days. There was never a dull moment and I was pooped. It isn't like I was doing that much. It's just that in all the running it was hard to get dinner cooked and housework finished. My husband works second shift which means he's asleep in the mornings. Our house is terrible for insulating sounds. You can hear pretty much everything from every room.  So in the mornings I spent time playing with Lolo and doing as little housework as possible so as not do disturb hubby.  He left the house at 2pm which is when my running started. Needless to say it was a pain to try and get everything done.

Well since my daughter has her license my running has been all but cut out. I still take the kids to and from school, and I grocery shop on Thursdays.  Aside from that I am pretty much a homebody. And yet I still feel like I have no time to do anything.  I spend my afternoons being absolutely lazy to the point that I am rushing to clean my house at the last minute before I head to bed. I figured once she was driving our meal times would get back to a civilized hour. But so far I end up cooking around 6pm which means we're eating closer to 7.  

I have no reason for this except laziness. At first I told myself that I was just so burnt out from the constant going that I needed a few days to just unwind. It was no big deal. And it wouldn't have been if it had been a few days, but it's been a few weeks. And here I sit doing nothing still. My housework is getting done, but not to the standard that I would like it to. And I spend way too much time sitting on my tucus instead of doing something productive. Like excercising. It's great to make all these fine goals, but what good are they if you never do anything with them?  I need to get motivated again.  Now if I could only figure out how~ 

Scotty, I need more power!

Willpower that is.  I have the strong urge to write here that Iam doing well on my diet. That I am really trying to lose weight.  I really do want to. And I know what to do. It's the doing that is causing me issues. My plan is simple. Cut out sodas, junk food, and processed foods. Eat more fruits and vegetables and exercise daily.  This, I figure, will net me the body that I want. It won't be easy, but it should be doable.  Cutting out sodas is fairly easy now. At one point they were my hardest point. But I've gone without them so long that now when I drink one it doesn't give me the same "OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GOOD" feeling that it once did.  Junk food now.  That on the other hand....

This cartoon is by Dave Walker.

And usually while taking a little look on the internet for some motivation, I grab a snack. A cookie, a bowl of cereal. Pretty much anything I can find that is sweet.  Now maybe you're thinking, this is simple, just don't buy that stuff. Well yeah, in a perfect world but I have 3 children.  I try not to buy sugary cereals, cookies, and junk food in general. But then I get these cravings...

Courtesy of: Qnica on deviantART

Yeah it's pretty much like that. I feel like I can't stand it. I MUST have sweets and everything is fair game. If we don't have any cookies on hand, I'll eat cereal. If we don't have anything I'll bake up something sweet.  I definitely need willpower.   

I'm frustrated with myself because I know what to do. I'm almost 40 so losing weight isn't as easy for me as it is for someone younger. But I have seen results when I stick to my diet. If I mind my calories, avoid the crap, and work out daily then I lose weight. No not fast, but I don't want to lose fast anyways. But here lately I haven't done any of that. I've ate far too many cookies and far too few fruits and vegetables. And lately my favorite word is "tomorrow".  Tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow I will leave the cookies alone. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.  Yet tomorrow never comes. And I just get more frustrated with myself for the crappy choices I am making.  And I demean myself too. When I go out to buy the junk food (and oh yes, I make a special trip to the store sometimes just for junk food) I think to myself, "I know what they're thinking.  They're all thinking 'look at that fat woman, she doesn't need any more junk food.'"  

Photo credit: colros / Foter.com / CC BY

I'm mentally kicking myself for knowing what to do and yet not doing it. I realize no one can make these changes except for me. And I need to do better.  I am quickly becoming that woman that took an entire box of cookies to her room, hid and eat it. The woman who would hide candy bars in her purse and eat them whenever she was alone. One thing I do know is that I never want to be her again.  I can do this, I need to quit whining and making stuipd decisions and do it. My tomorrow starts today. Wish me luck! 

The Two Year Plan

A little over a year ago several things in my life changed at once.  I can't even remember right now what all of them were, but I remember feeling completely out of control. I felt like my entire life was just a huge mess and that I couldn't do anything about it.  I remembered that once upon a time I had dreams, goals. I had plans. And I wondered where that girl had went. The one with all of the spunk who was going to conquer the world. Or at least her corner of it.

Part of the problem was growing older. At some point during my life I became convinced that only children and young people had the right to dream. That if you were past 30 then your life was set in stone and couldn't be changed. But when I had this, well... mid-life crisis, if you will, I realized that I was being silly. Why couldn't I do some of those things I had always wanted to do when I was younger.  I had my first child when I was 17-years-old.  I never went to college or traveled. And I always wanted to do both of those. So I started thinking, what do I want from my life.  And I came up with a few goals.

Copyright (c)123RF Stock Photos

1. Lose weight - It is significant that this is my first goal, and not just random.  My other goals all hinge on this one. Why?  I've told you a bit about my weight loss battle.  My health has already declined some. Because I am older, of course it will.  But it isn't just that. I'm not comfortable with how I look. When I am out in public I always think everyone is looking at me thinking "God look at her, she's huge." Because honestly I feel that way. It doesn't matter if it is or isn't true, it's how I feel. So without getting in shape, I know I would never feel comfortable doing the other things on my list.

Copyright (c)123RF Stock Photos

2. Go back to school - When I was 17 I wanted to be a lawyer, or a paralegal.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to work hard enough to be a lawyer. And being a paralegal would be the next best thing. At least to my mind it would. (Yes, I've always been lazy)  I thought long and hard when I decided I wanted to go back to school about why I wanted to go back. If I was just going back to get the experience of going to college, then I could go for anything. But if I was going back for a reason, then what was it?  After a little thought I settled on going back to become a certified Pharmacy Technician.  My husband takes many different medicines and I've always thought it would be nice to know what they are, what they're for, etc.   And I know this job would pay well enough to help me accomplish my other two goals.  The next step was when. My youngest child will graduate from school in June. Which means my babies are now grown and will be starting their own lives.  But I babysit my nephews, and my sister depends on me. It would be really hard to go to school and still babysit. I work really long hours because she does. In August of 2014 my youngest nephew will start school. I decided that was as good a time as any for me to go back. Once the kids start school it shouldn't be hard to find someone to pick them up after.  

Copyright (c)123RF Stock Photos

3. Fix my house - Maybe you're thinking to yourself, why is this a goal and not something you're already working on? Well the answer is simple, children.  My husband has just recently found a job where we can afford to start doing repairs to our home. We have three children and we decided years ago that we wanted me to be able to stay home with the kids. I have worked many jobs over the years to supplement our income, but never for long because I felt, and my husband supported me, that my place was raising our children.  So being that he was the sole breadwinner renovating the home was pretty low on our to do list.  Now that the kids are grown we're starting to completely renovate it, inside and out.  

Copyright (c)123RF Stock Photos

4. Travel - And last but surely not the least is traveling.  My hearts desire is to travel. It has been as long as I can remember. I want to go to Ireland and see where my ancestors roamed. I have friends that I have made all over the world that I would love to meet. I just want to see as much of this world as I can before I leave it.  And I can't think of any better way to spend the rest of my life than traveling. Hubby and I are going on a cruise. I'll finally woman up and get on an airplane.  Heck we will probably even take the kids along some if they want to go and can. I'm already planning all the wonderful trips I'll take with my husband. What is that song? The futures so bright I gotta wear shades?  That's how I feel when I think about traveling. 

I once heard John Tesh talk about the top 5 regrets people have on their deathbeds. The number one regret was: "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." I spent the first 35 years of my life living the life others expected of me. The rest of the time I have is mine.  I don't want to waist a minute.  

Teenagers~

I have this plaque hanging above my recliner.  I don't think I could find a truer saying if I looked for the rest of my days.

My children are now 20, 19, and 17 years old. And let me tell you, they know everything. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not being sarcastic (ok maybe I am a little).  I'm straight up telling you, there is no subject that you can bring up that one or all of them is not an expert on.



My 20-year-old has a difficult time saving money. And that is putting it lightly. He is living at home still and works around 30 hours a week. I'm ok with this. We're going to be going on what will probably be our last family vacation soon and he's waiting till after it to start applying for a position in law enforcement.  All of this is fine with me. What is not fine with me is that the child can not save money!  I swear if he gets a dime it burns a hole in his pocket.  He lives paycheck to paycheck and he has no bills! Really?  How hard is it to save money when the only thing you pay for is your cell phone?  Apparently very hard. There are just so many games he wants!  And of course he has no bills, so he can afford them. I can't seem to get him to understand that he needs to be saving towards the day that he will have bills.

My 19-year-old is a smart mouth. I think I made him this way with my smart-alec remarks over the years. But lord is it coming back to bite me in the butt now!   I'm a firm believer in the fact that there is a time and place for everything, including sarcasm. But he just hasn't learned that the time isn't all the time.  There are moments when his quips crack me up, and moments when I would gladly throttle him.

My 17-year-old is probably the worst at any given time. She is our only little girl, and she is fond of saying that she is my "mini-me". I'd like to deny it but if you spend more than 30 minutes with the two of us you'll think so too.  We often say the same thing at the same time. We will react the same way to any given situation. Which sounds all fun and cool, but seriously would you want to put up with yourself as a teenager? I feel so bad for my mama and daddy now. I know the Hell they went through, because I am living it daily. My little angel has informed me about 75 times over the course of the last two years that she will be moving out as soon as she graduates high school. Now how she is going to accomplish this with no money is still a puzzle. She's going to "save money".   She saves every bit as well as her 20-year-old brother.  And every time I try to give her advice she says "I know mama.  17-year-old here, I'm grown up now, you don't have to tell me"

That is so frustrating, let me tell you.  I've given up though, I would do better to have a conversation with a brick wall.  When she's 30 we'll discuss this again. Somewhere around there is where I figure I'll start being right again.  But you know what? Even though they drive me nuts, I wouldn't trade one minute with them for anything else in the world. The time is quickly approaching that they will be out on their own. In those moments when they are drivng me nuts I remind myself that it won't be like this for long.  One day my house will be empty and quiet and I will miss all the little arguments that we had. And all the laughs.  I'll probably have to go annoy them at their homes then. ;)

Tidbits - Episode 1

Many times I think of random bits of information that I want to share, but they aren't really enough to make a blog post.  I call these tidbits.  And so, when I've accumulated enough of my little tidbits to make a post, you'll have a Tidbits Episode ;)


~ Sometimes, when dealing with my mother's cancer, I feel completely alone. Today we went to a doctor's appointment and once again rehashed the whole stage 3/4 conversation with the doctor. And while he didn't come right out and say stage 4, he did say that is "one of my biggest concerns".  Which makes me think he's leaning more in that direction now. So I came home sort of depressed and wishing I could reach out to someone.  My husband was at work, and what could he do anyways? Couldn't call him.  My brother and sister basically deal with the situation by pretending it doesn't exist (and so do I 99% of the time). And I didn't want to start them worrying as I was. I could call up a friend, but why? They could do nothing for me, and I know how helpless it feels when you want to help someone and you can't. So I was sad about mama and feeling sorry for myself when my youngest son asked me what was wrong. I cried and told him. He gave me a big hug and said it would be ok.   You know, sometimes I close myself off and get on a pity party for no reason.  My friends may not know how to help me, and my siblings may be struggling with this too. But they're there for me. All I have to do is ask.

~ For about a month a little while back I stayed up late waiting for my husband to get home from work. During this time I would start craving a snack around 10 o'clock.  It was never anything really big. A small bowl of cereal, a cookie, sometimes fruit.  But it was always something sweet.  After a month of doing this it became a habit.  And since I've started trying to get into shape again, and I am serious this time, I am trying to kick this habit. It is really hard!  I've actually started going to bed earlier, so most of the time I'm asleep by 10. But if I am awake, you can set your watch by it. Around 10pm my body starts hinting that it would like something sweet. And I start mentally tallying what we have that I would like.  Then I have to mentally slap myself. "QUIT IT!" I say.  I'm not gonna be that person anymore. But wow, the 10 o'clock munchies are rough!

~ And on that subject, I lost 2 more pounds. Woohoo, go me!  I'm down to 272 now. Which is awesome, but seeing that I was 265 and then gained 10 and am now trying to lose again what I already lost.. well,  you get the picture. So instead of whining about where I was, I've set a new goal. 270.  I figure I'll take this thing in 10 pound increments. That way I don't get overwhelmed and I can get to them quicker.  So yeah, 2 more pounds to my first goal!

~ I want to do a blog post soon about my day. I feel like I am in a solid run from morning till night, every day.  But when I type out what I do, it seems so.. little. I keep thinking people will read that and be like, "That's it? That's what you do all day? I could wrap that up in a couple of hours"  Maybe I'll do a week instead lol.

~ Finding time to blog is also a bit of a challenge. I want to update this thing regularly, but at the same time, I don't want to neglect my house, my family, or my diet to do so.  So I get frustrated thinking about how I need to do an update, and then I get frustrated because I am spending time writing that I could be using to do something else. It's an ugly cycle.