Merry Christmas Mama

As Christmas draws ever nearer my days get longer and harder to deal with. Mama was born December 24th.  She was a Christmas Eve baby and I can't remember ever really celebrating her birthday with her. Of course we all would wish her happy birthday. And we would give her a gift when we were able. But there were no parties, no family dinners. It was always just lumped in with Christmas celebrations. How sad is that?  I regret that now, though I never gave it another thought then.  And I'm sure that she didn't either.

Christmas was mamas favorite time of the year.  She loved it. When she was still healthy and able the phrase "deck the halls" doesn't even begin to touch what she did. Mandy Lou always said that it looked like Santa puked all over the place lol. She decorated every tree she had in the yard. She would have a huge wreath hanging on the side of her house. Every single surface would be covered in tinsel and decorations. And when the day came she loooved the presents. Her greatest joy was watching the kids open theirs. And our greatest joy was watching her open hers. No matter what you gave mama she cried lol.  I remember one Mothers day we made her a DVD and gave it to her inside a box of tissues. We knew she'd need them. But you could give her anything and it could have been given the same way, with a box of tissues.  She loved the personal gifts the best. Things that you didn't necessarily buy but that you took the time to make for her. A letter, a card, a drawing; she loved and saved them all.

My Christmas spirit isn't gone, just running from me. I still love the holiday. I am anxiously looking forward to my kids opening their gifts.  But I find myself crying more, wishing she were here more often. All holidays may be difficult, but this will be the hardest for me. Because I always associated Christmas with mama. To me she embodied the very spirit of Christmas. And with her gone it's really hard to catch it.

I love you mama, Merry Christmas.

An apology and the finisher~

First off let me say that I'm sorry it has taken me so long to finish this gratitude challenge. The holidays have been especially challenging this year and there are times when I just don't feel like posting anything. And the last couple of weeks have been one of those times.  I've decided rather than try to keep up with any schedule of posting for now I will just post when I want to post.  That way when I'm feeling down I don't feel the added pressure of trying to post.  K?  k




The last week of the thankfulness challenge is titled Be grateful for who you are. Rather than try and break these down individually I figured I'd just attack this one thing head on and post 5 reasons I am grateful for who I am.  This should be good.. (said with a note of sarcasm)

1.  I am glad that I have a (mostly) positive outlook. No matter what happens in my life I can usually find the good in it.

2.  I am thankful for my face and hair. Though I'm not entirely thrilled with my face right now because of the weight gain I'd experienced since my mom died I do like it. I like my eyes especially.

3.  I'm thankful for my health. As I age more aches and pains crop up than I thought were possible.. I mean heck, I'm only 39.  But even so I am so very blessed. I have all of my limbs, my senses. I have full use of all of my faculties.

4. I am grateful for my attitude. I guess this kinda goes along with the first one. But I'm not only an optimist. I try not to force anyone else to have my opinion. Instead I try to live my life in such a way that they'll ask "What makes her different?"  And then I can tell them :)

5. I'm grateful for my family, both immediate and extended, by blood and by choice. Because they make me who I am today.

Day 12 - 14

Day 12 was about having a positive outlook on life. I try really hard to do this anyways but I really do fail quite often. It's the little things that irritate me, and sometimes it's nothing at all.  Have you ever had one of those days where you're just snappy and peckish but you can't figure out why?  I have those. The kind of days that I snap at everyone around me and my family spends the day asking "Are you mad at me?"  I've been trying harder to stop being that way. If I catch my self being snappy or hateful I reign it in and ask myself why I am upset.  And if I don't have a reason, well then it is time for me to get over myself. I won't say I've mastered this positive outlook thing, but I'm definitely getting better. The next challenge was to pick three family members and view their actions and gestures through a positive lens. Since this felt like the same thing as the day before I'm lumping them together.

And the final day in the week of being grateful for everything around you is simply to tell how this challenge has changed you. I haven't really enjoyed this week as much as the first because I feel like I try to be thankful about everything I have on a daily basis already.  But one thing I did realize was just how often I nitpick and needle and gripe about silly things. I really want to try and move past that and just be grateful for every person in my life. And not worry about what I perceive their flaws to be. Because Lord knows I have enough of those myself.

Thank you Notes and more

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life we assume that people know that we appreciate them. But it's always nice to hear it.  So today I'm going to write a few people a little thank you to let them know what they mean to me.  I won't be posting these here because this is a personal thing that I prefer to keep between me and them. But I encourage you to do the same.  Think about your life, is there someone who is always there to help you out? A shoulder you know you can lean on in times of need?  People who you are grateful to have in your life but haven't actually told them so in a while? Take a minute today and send a little note of thanks to that person.  Sometimes a thank you can make the whole world seem brighter.

By Flickr user vistamommy [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

 I think I already covered this one in the first week. So let me just take a moment to thank some of those I didn't cover then.  Thank you Emily for always being silly and sweet and making me smile. Thank you Drew for being a voice of reason and an open ear anytime I need to chat.  Thank you Ashley for being a sweet heart and sharing so openly with me.  And thank you to everyone else I know because you are all awesome people and I am glad you're in my life.

By Aravind Sivaraj (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

I am not exactly sure what I'm supposed to write about (this grattitude challenge is kinda bogus y'all. I feel like I'm writing about the same things over and over).  But the things I've seen today that I am glad I could see are: smiles, nature, my family.

I do this daily, because Logan is always here and it's easy to see everything through his eyes. He's a little bundle of joy and energy. So I am grateful for the time I get to spend with the little wild man. Soon he'll be off to school and that time will be over. 

Day 6 & 7

Sorry for the non-post yesterday. My beautiful daughter brought home the stomach bug and the whole house decided to share it. And yesterday was my day, YAY! /sarcasm

Day six was to call someone you haven't spoken with in a while and tell them how much you appreciate them.  I haven't done it yet honestly, still recuperating. I'll take care of that tomorrow and update my post when I do :)

I am eternally grateful for every moment I spent with my mama.  She was an amazing woman and I am the woman I am today because of her.  Thank you God for giving me her and her me.

Taking stock

Today's assignment is to take five minutes to be thankful for the blessings you have in your life. I feel like this post will almost be a repeat of the A - Z post so I'll try to avoid the obvious things I've already thanked for.

I'm thankful for my health.  Being sick is no fun, but being terminally ill is worse.  I can handle sickness, as long as wellness follows.



I'm thankful for my senses.  My papa became blind in his later years. I always wondered what it would be like. But I've stubbed my toe in the dark enough to make me glad that I am not.  I can't imagine living without any of my senses, and I am grateful I haven't had to.

I'm grateful for love.  "Love is the most powerful thing on earth. I've seen what it can do, and it can do amazing things. Sometimes I imagine a world where everyone knows of love that's unconditional. And what a beautiful world it is." - Unconditional 

I'm thankful for mercy. I have a sign on my bar that says "His mercies are new every morning because our messes are new every day!"   Amen to that!

I'm thankful for you.  Yes you who are reading this. Because writing these helps me to get my crap out, but having someone read it and tell me they appreciate makes me feel less alone.  When you tell me that you read my post and you related to it, then suddenly I'm not isolated. I'm in a world full of people who have the same hopes, dreams, and fears as me. And that is a pretty cool thing.

Accentuate the positive

Today's challenge is about being thankful for the negative things in your life. The only negative things I can think of are the fact that my mom is gone and my husband's insane work schedule.
I am thankful that my mom is no longer suffering. And I appreciate the fact that my husband has a desk job at least. He still works entirely too hard. But at least he can sit down occasionally. 

Thank you

Every challenge in week one of this is about being grateful for what you have. And one of the greatest things that I have in my life are my friends and family.  My husband is probably the most steadying force I have in my life right now.  He and I have been through just about everything together. And I can't imagine anyone being a better fit for my life than him.  I have three beautiful children who keep me on my toes at all times. But who are also some of my best friends.  Shane knows just how to make me laugh. Matt will still give me a  hug daily, and Amanda will dance around and be silly with me. They keep me young and happy.  My beautiful sister is always there to listen when I need to gripe, to pick me up when I fall down, and to just help in any way she can. I love her to pieces and I don't tell her that enough.  I have an awesome brother who helps to keep the family together with dinners and fun plans. My dad is always up to assist in any way he can. I know if I need him all I have to do is pick up the phone. I have nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and cousins. All just a phone call away. And I appreciate that I am so close to my family, not only my immediate but also extended.

I have some of the very best friends in the world.  In fact the people that I consider my best friends I don't really consider friends so much as an extension of my family.   Bobby has been there every time I needed someone to talk to over the last few years. He's listened to me complain, cry, and carry on. And he always tells me "It'll be fine." And I think that's the biggest reason I love talking to him. Because he's always so sure that whatever it is, it will be fine.  Nina will check in with me no matter how busy her life is. She always wants to make sure that I am doing ok. Jessica and I have been friends for about 7 years and she's the same way. She's one of those friends that it doesn't matter if you haven't spoken to her in 6 months. Within two minutes of starting a conversation you are carrying on like it hasn't been a day since you last spoke.  Claudia is my little cheerleader in my weight loss battle. No matter how many times I mess up, or how much I want to give up she's always there telling me to keep going. That I can do it.  And Glynn is the stoic quite one who doesn't talk much, but I enjoy our conversations all the same.  

I love you guys, all of you. And thanks for being here for me. We've been through a lot. And I hope to carry you with me through the many more ups and downs I'm sure I'll have in my life.  And hopefully I can be there for you as well. 

The A - Zs of Thankfulness

Authenticity, apples - which are quickly becoming my favorite fruit, and  adorable little boys

Being a mom - the best job I've ever had, best friends who keep me grounded, beautiful sunsets, brothers, and good books 

Chocolate - who isn't thankful for chocolate?, Curious George cause those adorable boys will sit still for George, and cousins - even though the drive us crazy sometimes, we still remember our times with them fondly.

Daddy- who taught me what a man should be, devotions to keep me sane and grounded, and deviled eggs - cause thanksgiving dinner wouldn't be complete without them

Energy - because I've seen what life without the energy to live is like

Family, friends, freedom

Grace  and giving - because it makes me feel good

Hubby - my soul mate, he makes my life complete and home - there's no place like it.

Integrity, Inspiration, Imagination 

Jesus, Joy 

Kisses, keepsakes - that make me feel closer to mom, and kindness

Love, laughter, learning 

Music, mommy-and-me dates, and  those in the military - for giving so much for my freedom

New days and new friends

Ocean, opportunities

Pictures, prayers, and pets - Gracie who was mama's constant companion. Preacher, who still talks just like her. The dogs here that all came from her.

Quotes that inspire me and quilts to snuggle up in

Roof over my head, rainy days, the ring on my finger and what it represents 

Senses, sunny days, sisters, and snuggles

Tears that heal, time that does the same, and travel 

Umbrellas which keep me dry on the rainy days and God's unfailing love

Vehicle which carries me everywhere, vacations that help me rejuvinate, and voting - because women couldn't always

Water - not every one has access to clean, fresh drinking water, a sense of wonder when you see things through a childs eyes again, and wind that cools on a hot summer day 

"x" the little mark that means something is done on a list, like this one, almost finished ;)

Years I have lived and all I've learned from them, yesterdays that make me thankful for tomorrows, and yearning which keeps me always moving forward.

Zumba - I hate it, but it did give me and my sister some good laughs :), Zeal to live not just exist, and ziploc bags in the freezer full of goodies from our garden.

grat·i·tude ˈgratəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

1.

the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

In my last post I said that I wanted to start doing one challenge every November. Well since this is the month we Americans celebrate Thanksgiving. I decided that would be the perfect place to start.  For the month of November, I will be doing the Gratitude Challenge. Some of these posts may be really short. And some of them may be really long.  But there is one thing they will all have in common, gratitude.

Going through the last couple of years has taught me that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life.I try to count my blessings often. But sometimes I get caught up in my own self-pity and begin to get a case of they "Why me, Lord?" blues. It's in those moments I try to take a look at the world around me and remember it could always be worse. And that's what I hope to accomplish with this challenge. I want to snap myself out of the mopey mood I've been in since June and count my many blessings.   

Tidbits Episode 4

I know I know, you're probably thinking, really? A tidbits? Didn't we just do one of those? Well yeah, we did.  But then I took a super long break to mope a bit and feel sorry for myself. And to rest and relax and get my brain working again and so now I'm back and will hopefully be posting regularly again (cross your fingers, and heck your toes too!).

~ So I finally finished the challenge during my time away and it went bad.  I did end up finishing fairly strong. I avoided soda and junk food at the end. But I did it for about a week and a half instead of 20 days. And I am currently not craving soda.  Or junk food really but I still find myself reaching for it entirely too much. 

~ I've recently purchased a pair of decent shoes so I'm trying to start walking every day. I'm failing, but I'm trying. At this point I am walk/running about a mile and a half a week. Which I usually do all in one day..  Yeah, I gotta work on that. And with it getting dark earlier I'll have less time to get out and walk. So I gotta stop making excuses and sitting on my butt and start moving.  

~I've gotten used to my daughter being out of the house and I'm doing better with only seeing her once in a while. I miss her like freaking crazy.  But I think we're better now than we ever have been.  I actually got to see her for a few minutes today and that was nice.  

That face lol <3 

~ With winter around the corner I'm finally starting on some of the outside jobs I've been wanting to do around here forever. I HATE snakes. I mean I loathe them. And we have a building in the back yard that is overflowing with junk. And I mean that literally.  I have put off cleaning it out because I'm afraid of what I'm going to find digging through all of that mess. It started out all nice and organized. And then more and more stuff was added and eventually mess started falling over and pretty soon we didn't even care lol. So this winter my goal is to get that mess out of here. I don't care where it goes but it can't stay here. I want my building back!  

~ We will also be doing some odd jobs in and around the house which I'm sure I'll take pics of and update you all with ;)  But those will be done as money and time allows so don't expect anything too soon or quickly.

~ In an effort to get back into the swing of blogging I'm declaring November "Challenge Month".  My goal is to do a challenge every November, starting this year since, well  ya know, I'm out of practice.  :)  

In loving memory

I apologize for the delay in my post. We had another loss in the family and I've been dealing with that and the feelings it brought back to me. In memory of those I've lost in the last year and a half.

"Uncle" Pat - July 2012

Pat passed away a little over a year ago.  She was an amazing woman, and my sister-in-law.  When my children were little they couldn't keep Aunt and Uncle straight. So they called her "Uncle" Pat and her husband "Aunt".  The moniker stuck and from that point forward she was Uncle Pat to every kid around her. She was my husbands best friend and confidant and her loss for him was much like the loss of my mother was for me.  Their childhood was not ideal and they only really had each other to lean on.  Through trials and separations they remained close.  She helped hubby through the loss of their brother. His first and closest friend, the one he'd been through everything with. And then she came back into his life again shortly before the death of their father.  She was his rock, and mine too. She had a quick smile and an even faster wit. She doted on her grandson and kept us all laughing with her silly jokes.  And we miss her greatly.

Uncle Danny - September 2013

Maybe you recognize the lady in this picture. That is my Aunt and her husband Danny. I swear that woman amazes me with her strength. After losing my mother barely three months ago her husband died suddenly.  Uncle Danny had fought a long illness and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't visit them more often.  I remember him much younger than this, with curly blond hair. They had bought my cousin a horse for something, her birthday maybe? And he was trying to "break" it. I can see him clear as day in my mind. On the back of that horse and it bucking wildly. In my memory I'm laughing at the sight. But I don't remember if I was actually laughing at the time or just terrified that he was going to get killed. He didn't, and he did tame the horse.   I remember us going to their house once because they had a pig we were going to slaughter. I remember bits of this, not an entire picture.  I remember seeing a bunch of grown men chase a pig around the yard because it had escaped. Or maybe it was in the pen. I'm really not sure. But it's a funny memory and still makes me smile. When I think of Uncle Danny that's how I'll remember him, wild and free. He always made me think he stepped out of some macho movie. He was Chuck Norris to me before I knew who Chuck Norris was.   I thought he could do anything.

Mama - June 2013

What can I say about mama that I haven't said already? I miss her so terribly bad. I look at pictures of her and I cry. Because I can't go sit and chat with her. I try not to think about it. My way of dealing with the entire situation is just to pretend it did not happen. And then there are those moments when I am forced to face the facts. And they are hard. I swallow the lump in my throat and force myself not to think. To not fall into this abyss that is looming at my feet. I know she is in a better place. I know that she is no longer in pain, and she was in so much pain. I know that she is no longer short of breath or struggling in any way. I want her here. I want her to be better here with me.

The one crappy part about life is that sooner or later you have to say goodbye to the people you love. Whether it be saying goodbye to a loved one who has gone on before you. Or maybe your time is looming and you're saying your final goodbyes.   The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that one day we'll meet again in heaven. By the grace of God and the forgiveness of Christ Jesus, one day...

Could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. ~ Khalil Gibran

BLEGH!

How is the challenge going? you ask.  Well....

Yup, that great.  I'm two weeks into the challenge and I swear it feels like I'm a complete failure at this.  In the two weeks that I've been doing it I've had about 3 cans of soda. That's the 12-oz cans. We had soda with us while camping and I drank two. And then the rest is just me sipping on soda when charlie picks one up while we're out and about. Considering that I was having 2-3 10 oz glasses of soda every day I suppose that is an accomplishment. Considering that the challenge was to have none.. well there ya go.  As far as the sweets go I'm doing about the same on that. I go days without anything and then one of the boys will bring something home. And there goes the diet. We also went camping this past weekend which was a blast, but let's be honest. If I am sitting there watching people make S'mores, I'm gonna be making them two. And eating them.

So where are we at? We're aggravated with ourself. That's where we're at.  I just keep asking myself, is this it Jules? Is this who you want to be? Really? This is all you're willing to do? This is as hard as you're willing to try? If I continue down this road it's a pretty sure bet I won't see 80. Probably not even 70.   I'm at a higher risk for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer. I'm killing myself with food as surely as a smoker does with a cigarette. And I'm apathetic to it. I want to change.. just as long as I don't have to actually change. As long as I can continue to eat what I want, drink what I want, and do what I want.  As long as I don't have to do anything different at all. Then heck yea, lets change.  

The frustrating part is I DO want it. I DO want to change. And mixed in with these bad days are some good days. But all I can focus on are my failures. And even when I eat something that isn't on my forbidden list I still beat myself up.  "Pizza for dinner? You freaking slob. You can't even get one thing right."   Uh, hello. Pizza is allowed. And it isn't as if I ate an entire pizza. I ate 1 slice. But oh no, that's a no no. I shouldn't have eat that. And that starts me onto the whole "Well you've already screwed up. No reason to try now" path.  I swear I feel like I am stuck in an endless loop of attempts and screw ups. Like this is as good as I am ever going to be. This is as good as it gets.  

photo credit: Monroe's Dragonfly via photopin cc

I feel ya buddy.. I feel ya.

Tidbits - Episode 3

~ The challenge: Well it's going, and that's about all I can say about that. I've screwed up entirely too many times. And I can't decide whether to be disgusted with myself or proud of the fact that I'm still trying to stick to it. I absolutely hate this. I hate craving sugar. It sucks. And it seems like the minute I make it off-limits I feel like I could commit murder for something sweet. I've done this before. I once gave up soda and sweets for 2 weeks. The first week was torture, but after that it was a lot easier, and I felt better. Now I swear it seems like I can't drive by a store without feeling an insane urge to stop and get something. And it seems like the very minute I try and do better my kids decide they gotta have something sweet.  Really?  Sometimes I feel like this is it. I'll never be smaller than I am right now. May as well get used to being a fat woman...

I don't want to be her anymore :( But do I want to put forth the effort to change? 

~ We're going camping!  Aside from our trip to the beach we haven't left the house this summer. And I am so ready to get away again. I absolutely love camping but man do I hate the work that comes with it. Packing all of the various items, cleaning stuff that has been packed away for a year. Just everything that comes with going away for any amount of time. Bleh!  But it will be so worth it when we get there! Happy, happy, happy! :)  

Our camping set up from previous years :) 

~ My naner is staying home a little bit longer.  I'm very happy about this because as much as I try to be supportive of my kids and their desire to be independent I was about to lose it y'all. I mean like put me in one of those jackets where I can hug myself all day and let me sit in a pretty white room with bouncy floor, walls, and ceiling.  Losing mama was hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Then when Amanda moved out right afterward it felt like someone had jerked the rug out from under my feet. And then Shane was going too. I was trying to be up-beat about it, but I really just felt like I was starting to sink.  I'm glad I have a little more time to deal with it and prepare myself. I know my kids are going to move out. But I am going to love every minute I have them at home with me. 

This is me once the kids are all gone.. I'm telling y'all!

~ Speaking of kids moving out.. bugs.  Oh my little darlin. She's had such a rough time lately. A lot has happened, none of it really her fault, but today I stopped by to see her for a minute and she burst into tears while talking to me. I swear turning Mom-to-the-rescue mode into I'm-here-for-you mode is really freaking hard. When one of my kids is upset I really want to just put my cape on and kick some tail. And for those of you worrying, don't.  She'll be fine. It isn't anything God can't handle and she's a tough gal.  But we all have those moments of weakness. And doesn't it seem like they come most when you're with someone you know cares for you unequivocally? Besides, I still have that cape, and I'm not above using it ;)

My 20 day challenge

The only thing I actually took away from the real food mini-challenges I was doing was to buy more organic foods and to eat 4-6 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. And I suppose that it was a success because those two things have to do some good, right?  And I've seen so many challenges floating around that I always think "I could do that!"  But when it comes time to actually do it.. well, not so much.   So I was thinking one day why not challenge myself? Why not make a challenge that will be difficult and take some work, but it is doable for me. Why not set myself up to succeed instead of fail. And then hopefully I can do another challenge and add on a few more things.  And so without further adieu:

Image courtesy of arztsamui / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So maybe you're thinking, "What is so hard about that?"  Well frankly anything from sodas down. It's freaking HARD!  I have a sweet tooth, like honest to goodness could eat every. single. sweet.  All of them. It doesn't matter what it is, I want it. And I'll even make a special trip to the store to get sweets.  I'm just that darn addicted to them. So going without anything sweet for 20 days is gonna be a challenge for sure.  So that's my goal. I'll also be blogging about the process. So stay tuned for those fun whine filled posts!  Wish me luck~

10 Life Pro Tips...

I actually use in my day to day life.  I know you've seen them, they're everywhere.  I'm constantly barraged by tips that look so cool and amazing. And I always think, "WOW! I could totally do that!" But do I?  No. Because that would take time and effort, and who has that to spare?  So I give you 10 tips that I have found online that I actually implemented and use to this day. These are things that were cool enough for me to remember, useful enough for me to do, and worked well enough that I continued to use them more than the one trial run. In no particular order:

Need a chip clip?  I have tons of these hangers lying around and almost never used them. Then I ran across this little tip. 

Don't want to break them apart just in case you ever decide to hang pants on them again? Then how about using them to hold your cookbook while you're cooking? I keep one of these on my kitchen cabinets for just this reason.

My husband is a cord collector. If there is ever a cord he didn't want to keep I don't know what it is. And that used to drive me insane. Until I found this little tip. Now all of our cords are organized in one box.  Way easier, and when we do need one of those cords I can find it at a glance.

Every single time I vacuumed out my van my Shop-Vac would unplug several times. Then hubby taught me this little trick which saved me a lot of aggravation. Yes, I know. I should have thought of that on my own. What can I say? One track mind...

Folding fitted sheets was my nemesis.  I hated it. But this really does make it simple and fast. And I can do it all by myself :) Which, let's be honest, I'm going to be doing it by myself.  

It's a brownie. In a mug. And it takes a little over a minute. Do I really need to say anymore?

\

I have tried so many tips to keep from crying when I cut onions. I've frozen the onions, had a spoon hanging out of my mouth, and even applied chest rub beneath my nose.  This works better than anything I've ever done

I often burn pictures to CD's for family members. And this keeps me from spending entirely too much money on little plastic cases which we lose or break anyways 

I love this tip. Love, love, love it! Before I found this I was forever cleaning those little slivers of soap from my soap try in the shower. And it was annoying, took forever, and wasted money. Now I simply stick it onto the new bar and voila! 

Somebody please tell me why this works? I'm astonished by it. I'll actually stand and watch my pot of boiling water wondering at the fact that it isn't boiling over. It's the simple things that make me happy ;)  

(PS. I found these images from various facebook shares, if anyone recognizes and image and knows where it came from let me know, I'd love to give proper credit where credit is due :)  ) 

And then there was one....

Flickr

On August 24th my Shaner will be moving out. He and a friend of his have found a place and he's ready to spread his wings. And again I am torn. My heart is aching and full of pride at the same time.  Having kids is such an amazing and heart wrenching journey.

When they first burst into your life screaming, peeing, never sleeping little monsters you're both amazed and horrified. You can't believe that this little human being lived inside of you for nine months. You take your little bundle home and settle in for a good rest because you're exhausted from the trial of giving birth. And then they cry. They cry when they're hungry, when they're sleepy. They cry when they want held, when they need changed. They cry over everything. And you're pretty sure you're going to go crazy because it's been two weeks since you brought this little angel/devil home and you're not sure if you're ever going to sleep again. But mixed in with these moments of insanity are also moments of intense joy. Like when you're feeding your baby and it wraps it's tiny hand around your pinky finger.  And you marvel at the tiny fingers, toes, eyes, ears, and mouth.  Or maybe the first time they smile at you and your heart feels like it's going to explode inside your chest. In a single year you'll see such a marvelous transformation. Sleeping through the night for the first time, holding up their head, rolling over, crawling, pulling up, walking, getting teeth, begining to verbalize. So much happens and it goes so quickly. And you look back at the end of that year and can't believe how far they've come.

Then they become a toddler and when they aren't trying to climb to the very top of your house you're sure they're trying to kill themselves. They'll stick their fingers into anything that is open, just because they can. Everything goes into the mouth and you're forever saying, "No," and "Stop that!"  And sometimes you forget that this rambunctious little being is the center of your world. Because you're tired and you're frustrated and you just want a break. And you sit down to cry and little hands touch your face and a tiny voice says, "Why you tryin' mama?" And you smile and say something silly to make them laugh. And you realize how much they've grown in such a short time.

Soon they're prepubescent, which is basically a fancy word for 13 going on 30.  They talk back, they're asserting their independence more. And you're ready to scream. You'll gladly go back to that toddler stage and pull them down off the top of the refrigerator or save them from hanging on to the shower head because at least then you ruled the world. At that point in time you were always right and never wrong. And tensions build. But you watch them become young men and women. You go to ball games and scream like a crazy woman. And though they blush and act like you're the most embarrassing person in the world, you know that secretly they love it. So you scream all the louder. You ride bikes with them, play board games. You take walks and talk about things you couldn't talk about before.

Then they become teenagers. And they can do things for themselves, and for you. And it's a wondrous and terrifying time again. Because having their help is awesome. But now more than ever they don't want to be treated like your child. They're "adults" and don't mind telling you. Often and loudly.   And you struggle for that perfect balance of letting them make their own mistakes and still being the parent that they need you to be whether they realize it or not. And you go on date nights. And they confide in you. And they tell you how much they love you.  And you cherish every moment because you know they'll be gone all too soon.

And then they are. And you have to trust that you did all that you could. That you raised them to the best of your ability with the help and grace of the good Lord. And you just have to believe that they'll be ok. And that's the hardest part. The letting go part. Because how do you just let go of someone that you have nurtured and cared for for 18 years or more. How do you set them loose in the world and trust that they'll be ok?  You pray. And you worry, and call, and stress. And they tell you to "chill out mama".

If you're going through hell, keep going - Winston Churchill

~ Standing in the middle of the grocery store
~ Waiting at a red light
~ Doing laundry

It hits me at the most random of times.  I can be fine for days. And then suddenly my chest is tight and my eyes are overflowing.  She's gone. My mama is gone.  And I know as a good Christian I should be happy. She's in heaven, she has her reward.  But I'm not happy. I want her here. Heaven is a fabulous place from all I read.  But it isn't here. I can't go hug her. I can't call her and ask for advice. I can't call her and tell her how my day went or about the things that are worrying me or bothering me.  I can't have dinner with her.  All I can do is remember her. And I miss her.   God I miss her so bad.  And I don't want her back the way she was right before she died. The pale, weak, tired woman who was doing her best just to keep going. I want the vibrant woman who was here just last year.  Just one year ago she was full of life. She wasn't tired or wore down. She wasn't sick.  She was fine.



It seems as if I spent the last nine months always going. Never really taking the time to just be in the moment.  I figured if I stayed busy and pretended this wasn't happening that it would just go away. And it didn't. But my mama did.  I wish so bad I had every single one of those moments back. If I could just go back to one of the many times she said "Sit down and stay a while Julie".  One of the many times I said I couldn't. I had so much to do. So much stuff that needed done. And it all could have waited. Someone else could have taken Amanda to class.  The chores would have waited. I could have asked for more help from my family. I should have insisted on it.  I could have had a cup of coffee with mama. I could have cooked dinner with her more. More than once I told mama I was sorry. I was trying. I just had so much to do. "It's ok, I understand" She always understood. And what I wouldn't give for those moments back.

You know you always hear that you should treasure your loved ones because one day they'll be gone and you will wish you'd had that time back.  It's so true. It's so unbelievably true. I always thought that was a beautiful sentiment. And I was so sure I was living that way. Till I lost my mom and realized how much time I wasted that I could have spent with her.

Go find your mama, daddy, child, husband, wife, or friend and hug them. Tell them all how much they mean to you. And spend every moment you can with them. Because the moments spent with them are the things you'll remember. And the moments spent in pursuit of the perfect life will be the ones you regret.

On loss and love....

On June 2, 2013 my mother went home to be with the Lord.  She fought cancer valiantly and left a hole in my heart and life that will never be filled.

Mama never had an easy life. But she also never complained. When we were little I remember her always being active. She never sat around. She was always cooking, cleaning, gardening, or playing with us.  She loved flowers and she had numerous flower beds that she would tinker around in while we would run around playing.  Once I decided to help her weed one of her flower beds. I was so sure I was helping her out. I went out and spent about 30 minutes pulling every single weed out of her flower garden. Then I went inside and grabbed her hand, dragging her outside to show her my handy work.   When we got out the front door she exclaimed "JULIE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
"I pulled the weeds"
"You pulled the flowers!"  And she laughed.
That was always one of our fondest memories. We'd laugh about how I pulled all of the flowers out of her garden and left the weeds. I would tell her that the weeds looked prettier to me. And she'd remind me that she did thank me for trying to help.  And that's the way it was with mama.  Whenever life threw a curve ball at her she laughed and went on. I think it was her faith in Jesus that gave her such strength and inner peace.

Once she was diagnosed with cancer I'm sure she had bad days. I remember calling her one day and asking how she was doing. "I'm fine" She had been crying, but that was always her answer. She was always fine. Even when she wasn't.  And I would playfully tell her "Liar"  And we'd both laugh.  After she was diagnosed my siblings and I went to her house to have a meeting. Sort of an "Oh Lord, what do we do now?" thing.  And I asked her if there was anything that she wanted to do. Any "bucket list" type opportunities or activities that she wanted to get out of the way. "No, " she said, "I've done it all"   I couldn't fathom this at first. How could that be so?  She never lived in the fancy houses that I know she dreamed of. She never had a fancy car. We had talked about traveling the world together. We never got to do that.  But thinking back on it now, all mama ever wanted was time with her kids. And that was enough for her. That was enough to make her content.  As my kids begin to move out I can understand this sentiment.

One month and a week after mama passed away my beautiful baby girl moved out. She had graduated high school and wanted to move in with her boyfriend. She's 17 and I probably could have guilted her into staying home. I could have begged and pleaded, brought up the fact that I just lost mama. And she would have stayed.  But she would have been angry with me. And I don't think it would have made a difference in the long run. Sooner or later she was going to move out and begin her life on her own.  And probably sooner rather than later.  And it would have been just as hard then as it is now.

Yesterday (Wednesday, July 10) we loaded all of Amanda's boxes into my van and I drove her to her boyfriend's house. He lives about a 45 minute drive away and we planned to drop her off when I took my nephew to his therapy, which is about 10 minutes away from her boyfriends house.  I had a week to prepare myself for this, but a year wouldn't have been enough. When she took the last of her boxes into his house I broke down.  I tried really hard not to leave her crying but it was just impossible.

I spent the next couple of hours at therapy, driving, feeding animals, and just generally trying not to think about what had just happened. But when I finally got home and went in my house it was impossible not to think about. Therapy is every Wednesday and most days Amanda went with me.  After the hour ride there, home, and an hour sitting in the waiting room she was always full of energy. The first thing she would do when she came in was start up some music and start dancing in my living room. She'd pester me about working out with her. "You gonna work out with me today mama?" I had a litany of excuses. I was too tired, had too cook dinner, needed to clean house.  I wish I had danced with her more and made excuses less.

So when I came into my now empty house (my boys were both gone to friends for the night) it hit me full force. My baby was gone. She wasn't going to dance around my living room anymore.  She wasn't going to needle me into working out with her or unload the dishwasher while I started dinner. And so I cried.  Thankfully my son saw a post of mine on facebook and called. "You want some company mom?"
 "YES PLEASE!"
He and his girlfriend came and spent the afternoon with me. They left about 10 minutes before my husband came home and he held me while I cried myself to sleep.

This morning I went into her room to check out what she'd left behind.  I saw the fuzzy robe that I had given her, the clutch that we had found that went perfectly with the dress that we bought for the winter formal. The one she never got to attend.  And I kept thinking things like "She'll never get to wear  her fuzzy robe again" and "We just bought her that bed a few months ago so she would sleep better." Suddenly I realized that I was acting as if she were dead. Like she was gone and I would never see her again. And I realized that I never really grieved for mama.  I have been sad and I have cried. But I haven't allowed myself to think of her as gone.  Because if I actually acknowledge that my mother is dead then I have to face the fact that I will never again hug her. I won't playfully chide her about not eating enough.  She won't laugh at my silliness and tell me I worry too much or I work too hard.

And Amanda moving suddenly made all of this clear to me. I was grieving her as if she had died because I couldn't bring myself to admit that mama had. I couldn't handle the thought that my mama was gone and she wasn't coming back. Mandy moving is hard, I miss her fiercely. But I can go visit her whenever I want. I can call her every day. She's still here. She's just not living with me anymore.  My mama is gone. I'll never again be able to call her and gripe about my husband, my children, or that woman in the grocery store who was rude to me.  I can't go sit in her living room and talk to her about everything and nothing at the same time. I won't hear her laugh over some silly joke I made that no one else found funny.  We won't be able to watch movies together and cry. And we'll never travel the world. And it hurts.  It hurts to the very core of my being. And I don't say anything because I don't want all of the looks of sympathy. I don't want people calling me all the time to check on me. I just want to grieve. I want to miss my mama and cry and I want it to be ok for me to do that. Because when people call to check on me, then I feel like I'm pitying myself.  I feel like I need to get over myself and my need to grieve. Lots of people have lost their parents. I'm not the first, I won't be the last. Why should I carry on so?  But when people leave me to it I can cry. I'm not depressed. I'm not wallowing in it. I am missing my mama.