Yup, that great. I'm two weeks into the challenge and I swear it feels like I'm a complete failure at this. In the two weeks that I've been doing it I've had about 3 cans of soda. That's the 12-oz cans. We had soda with us while camping and I drank two. And then the rest is just me sipping on soda when charlie picks one up while we're out and about. Considering that I was having 2-3 10 oz glasses of soda every day I suppose that is an accomplishment. Considering that the challenge was to have none.. well there ya go. As far as the sweets go I'm doing about the same on that. I go days without anything and then one of the boys will bring something home. And there goes the diet. We also went camping this past weekend which was a blast, but let's be honest. If I am sitting there watching people make S'mores, I'm gonna be making them two. And eating them.
So where are we at? We're aggravated with ourself. That's where we're at. I just keep asking myself, is this it Jules? Is this who you want to be? Really? This is all you're willing to do? This is as hard as you're willing to try? If I continue down this road it's a pretty sure bet I won't see 80. Probably not even 70. I'm at a higher risk for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer. I'm killing myself with food as surely as a smoker does with a cigarette. And I'm apathetic to it. I want to change.. just as long as I don't have to actually change. As long as I can continue to eat what I want, drink what I want, and do what I want. As long as I don't have to do anything different at all. Then heck yea, lets change.
The frustrating part is I DO want it. I DO want to change. And mixed in with these bad days are some good days. But all I can focus on are my failures. And even when I eat something that isn't on my forbidden list I still beat myself up. "Pizza for dinner? You freaking slob. You can't even get one thing right." Uh, hello. Pizza is allowed. And it isn't as if I ate an entire pizza. I ate 1 slice. But oh no, that's a no no. I shouldn't have eat that. And that starts me onto the whole "Well you've already screwed up. No reason to try now" path. I swear I feel like I am stuck in an endless loop of attempts and screw ups. Like this is as good as I am ever going to be. This is as good as it gets.
photo credit: Monroe's Dragonfly via photopin cc
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